tall, blonde, funny, smart. he's perfect. he's also two or three years older than me. I suppose with the current local consent laws it wouldn't be illegal if we-
fuck. what am I thinking? thirsting over some guy I hardly know. we're not even friends. but once, he touched my shoulder and I still haven't gotten over it.
I've never felt like this before, it's a completely new sensation to me. I mean, I've had small crushes before, but him. he's just...different and I don't know why.
he always has this playful smile on his face, he's always talking to someone. I don't think there's a person here that doesn't like him.
but he looks a whole new kind of attractive when he's leaning against the wall, staring out across the sea of people. he's not smiling, not trying, not...present.
he's skinny, not too skinny, with slightly muscular arms. when he wears that dark grey/blue tee-shirt, the same as mine (although mine is burgundy), he looks amazing, but I wonder what he must look like in street clothes.
shit. someone's coming in. I take them to a table, picking up the excess silverware so I can take it to the large bucket where we keep all the silverware rolls.
then I see him. he's standing against the wall, and as I walk past him, he holds out his hand.
fuck. what does he want? a handshake? a high five? I give him a playful slap on the hand, a gesture shared between friends.
what the hell was I thinking? of course, he probably held out his hand to take the silverware from mine.
'high five, bro' I say. you know in those stupid adolescent romantic comedies when someone says something, then they say something like 'fuck, why did I say that?'
yes, I always thought they'd just said something stupid and regretted it. I never realised that it was possible to say something, to actually form words with your mouth and make them come out, completely unaware that you're even talking. but alas, it is undoubtedly possible to do such a thing.
I walk away quickly, mortification evident in my features. I always wear makeup to work, but even so, I'm sure that the red that blossomed across my face was completely visible.
finally. the other hostess is here. 'I'll be right back,' I say. I walk to the restrooms, head down. as soon as I'm inside, I check the stalls. no one.
I just want to shrink into nothing. I want to completely disappear, vanish without a trace, without anyone knowing I was even here.
I slide my back down the wall, and sit down on the disgusting bathroom floor, with my head in my knees and my arms wrapped around them.
fuck.
