Vista - Attack on Titan x Reader

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: What We Want

It was now one single day before I had to prove my worth to Premier Zachary, and I was scared. Not because I was nervous...but because I wasn't nervous; not even a little bit. Sitting in the mess hall, I was feeling kind of smothered, as almost everyone had pulled up a seat by me. I had Marco to my right, as usual, and Reiner to my left. Bertholdt and some blonde named Annie stretched past him, and the other blond, who I embarrassingly realised was not a woman, sat beside Marco. Jean, Eren, Mikasa, and the others sat opposite, with Sasha and Connie having dragged over another table to connect to ours, which had upset a few other trainees.

"Want some extra bread, (Y/N)?" Armin held out his tray towards me, and I shook my head sceptically.
"Uh...no, thank you..." I murmured; confused because I had hardly touched the single slice in front of me.
"What about a game of cards later? I can teach you all sorts of neat games!" Connie thumbed himself, and again, I shook my head no. Christa, yet another blonde, asked if I wanted to have a girls night. No. Sasha asked if I wanted to take my pick out of her hidden stash of questionably delectable treats. No. Reiner asked if I wanted to spar after dinner. Tempting, but no.

The rest of dinner was awkward, to say the least. Marco, Jean, Ymir and Annie were really the only people who didn't offer me something or invite me anywhere, which I silently appreciated. Even Mikasa asked if I wanted to take a walk. Once I had picked the crust off my bread, I tossed it over to the bright-eyed glutton before leaning close to Marco's ear.
"I'm going to go to the stables. I'd rather be alone for a bit..." I confessed in a whisper, and he placed his hand on my knee; giving it a light, friendly squeeze.
"Alright...I'm here if you need to talk..."

He sounded like he had more to say, but he kept it trapped behind tight lips that were curved up into a kind of sad, wonky smile. Nodding in thanks, I muttered a quiet farewell before I stood up and left the table; thankful to be away from the obvious tension. My walk to the stables was brisk, as though I had no time to waste. I wasn't sure if I did or not, knowing that this may be the final night I spent in the land of the living.

Boy seemed to sense my discomfort once I slipped into his dimly lit stall, and he nuzzled his big, warm nose into my cheek. Wrapping my arms around his broad neck, I just held him for the longest time. Boy was always just...there. He didn't expect anything, he never judged me, and he was always ready to listen, even if I had nothing to say. That's all I really thought I needed in a situation like this.

"They're all fucking worried about you, ya know..." I heaved a deep sigh when that voice spoke up from behind me, but I didn't turn away from the deep chocolate coat I was pressed against.
"It's not like I can take back my decision now...It's the eleventh hour...just let me spend it in peace without you making it unbearable, Jean..." I heard the man shift in the stable hall; his boots crunching against dried straw.

"For the record...I don't want you to die, either..." Jean mumbled hesitantly, and I turned to give him a bland look.
"Thanks, I guess..?" My lips tweaked a little, but it was more just a stretch than an attempt at a smile. I didn't particularly like Jean, but I didn't hate him, either. We just kind of struggled with each other, and it was strange to hear him actually speak to me without trying to pick a fight.
"You're really stupid, you know that..?"

There it is...

"...You've actually got potential...and you're ready to throw it all away...Your whole fucking life...down the drain because of what?" Jean took a step forward, and I stood my ground. Boy's ears flattened, but he made no move. He just watched the brunette closely with his dark, almond eyes.
"Because...I wasn't supposed to live in the first place..." I murmured; letting my (E/C) eyes travel to the wooden gate between us.
"What's that supposed to mean?" His question came out a little harsher than I thought he intended it to, but it still ticked me off. All I wanted was quiet, and he just had to follow me and ruin that.

"Classified information." I spat as he took a step forward in an attempt to look intimidating.
"C..classified?! Are you shitting me right now?! I came in here to try and be a good person and make sure you were okay, and then you give me that bullshit?!" His yelling caused a few of the horses to voice their agitation, but Boy was stock still. He was tense all over, as was I.

"Good person..? Jean, you just came to tell me off about being an idiot! I know I'm stupid! I know I'm some kind of freak! That much has been ingrained into my head since I was born!" My fists clenched by my sides, but I couldn't force myself to approach. If I allowed myself to get mixed up in my own anger, then I'd tell him everything in a fit of rage. I didn't want these people to know that much. "Whatever happens tomorrow is supposed to happen! I'm fine with it, so can't you all just shut up and deal with it?! Isn't that what a soldier is supposed to do..?!"

I'm starting to cry...Dammit...Not now...Not in front of Jean, of all people..! Not again..!

Jean lurched forward and slammed his hands down against the wooden frame of the gate, which caused my stallion to rear up beside me and try to ward him off with a fierce snort.
"Well we aren't fine with it! We don't want to see our friend die, you fucking psycho! Sorry for fucking caring..!" His teeth were bared and his body was rigid as he leant over the gate, and I was rendered speechless for a moment before a strong hand came down upon his shoulder.

"Jean, it would probably be best if you left, for now..." Reiner looked down at him with a stern gaze; warning him with nothing but calm, golden eyes. After giving me one last harsh look, Jean muttered curses under his breath before storming out, leaving the blond where he once stood. "I'm sorry about him...He's just trying to help in his own way, I guess..."

Nobody can help...I'm the only one that can help myself...

We just stood in a strange, dead quiet for a while; Boy switching between lipping at my iffy shoulder and Reiner's hand, which rested where Jean's were clawing before.
"H..hey...can...I ask you to do something important..?" I finally spoke up, and Reiner nodded at me to continue. "If I die tomorrow...would you look after Boy..?" The man's eyes widened momentarily before they eased back into their regular state; small, but still attentive.
"You're not going to die, but I give you my word..." Reiner spoke gently as he unlatched the half-door and walked in; approaching me and using his sleeve to wipe a stray tear that drizzled down the side of my cheek.

I'm not the weird one...It's everyone else...

"How...can you be so sure about that? This can only go one of two ways...I fuck up, they see me as a threat, and Erwin cuts me down...Or, I somehow manage to impress this Premier guy...they see me as a valuable asset...and I likely end up being swallowed by a Titan..." I muttered; staring at the mucky ground between the toes of our boots.
"Or...you impress them...they see you as a valuable asset...and you lead them towards humanity's success..." I didn't fight back as Reiner pulled me into his chest. His arms felt so large as they wrapped around me, and, just like when Eld hugged me, I felt safe. It may have been the dormant fear of my demise, or it just could have been the embrace in general, but I found myself holding him back.

There was nothing that could touch me when I was within the arms of another, and he just stood there and let me silently cry out whatever had been pooling behind my eyes for the entire evening. He wasn't a major talker, but he was just there. He was comforting me in the peaceful quiet, and I realised that maybe being alone hadn't been what I had needed most. Perhaps company wasn't so bad when it came to some of the people in the 104th. They weren't the squad I was familiar with, and he wasn't my Eld, but whatever he was doing was helping me.

"R..Reiner..?" I murmured his name, and I felt him look down into the crown of my (H/C) hair, which was likely matted with straw and dust.
"Hmm?"

"I...don't want to die..."

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***I have major writers block, my dudes. Like, my writers block pops severely...but I tried***