Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

A Frank Conversation

You went there?

Yes. Several times.

What do you mean, several times?

It's a great place to picnic. The Hudson Valley is beautiful, especially in the fall.

So you didn't actually attend the Academy itself?

Me? No. I wish I had the grades to get into The Point. Or any military academy.

OK, but that brings up a very important issue. Robot Jesus is incalculably smarter than you.

It's not incalculable.

Can you calculate it?

No.

But you know who can?

Who?

Robot Jesus! Face it, you are completely outmatched.

He has his strengths, but what you fail to realize is that Robot Jesus has weaknesses, too.

What kind of weaknesses?

He is greatly diminished from before. He used to have the entire internet at his beck and call. And while he can contact satellites, he is relatively blind. Plus, communicating with space has a lag time that we can exploit.

I mean, even if that is all true, it doesn't really sound like enough.

You forget Robot Jesus's biggest liability. The AI is a machine, but he is also dependent on humans, and there are a handful of humans who have earned his trust.

So?

Human nature, Mr. Rubicon. Sooner or later, someone will betray him.

Like Judas?

I don't know who that is.

It doesn't matter. I know those people and they all love Robot Jesus. They'd never turn on him.

Don't be so sure.

Why not?

Let's just say there are ways to get someone to do things they would never do.

Is it my imagination or did you suddenly start talking in a German accent?

Technically, it's Austrian. But my point is that desperate times call for desperate measures.

What kind of measures? Are you talking about torture?

I am not a fan of the term torture.

What about torture itself?

Love it! So incredibly useful! And a time-saver to boot! But I prefer euphemisms like Enhanced Interrogation, Exuberant Massages. Overzealous Tickling, High Intensity Pool Parties. That sort of thing.

Why don't you just call it by its real name?

Because it helps me sleep at night when I'm not letting a detainee sleep at night.

And by the way, I was under the impression that torture doesn't work.

Tell that to you your friend.

What friend?

That stoner guy. Greg Walp.

You tortured Greg? How could you!

With dental implements, mostly. I have a video of our, um, discussion. Do you want to watch it?

—————————

Greg Walp

Detainee/Torture Victim

Do you know why you are here, Mr. Walp?

It's time for my biannual dental check up?

You're here, Mr. Walp, to tell me what you know about Robot Jesus.

As long as I get my free tooth brush, I'm cool.

I'm not a dentist, Mr. Walp.

I know, dude. You're one of those teeth cleaning dudes... I can't remember what it's called.

Hygenist?

Very high genist! (Laughs)

Mr. Walp, are you on drugs?

No. Just one. I'm on drug.

My intel is that Robot Jesus is housed behind steel walls and the door requires a code for entry.

Maybe two.

Maybe two what? Codes?

Drugs. I mean, I'm not sure if froyo is technically a drug, but if it's not, it totally should be.

(SLAP) Stop playing games, Mr. Walp!

Dude, did you just hit me? I'm honestly asking, 'cause between the froyo and the cannabinoids it's kinda hard to tell.

(SLAP)

OK, I kind of felt it that time. And... Oh, dude! You knocked a tooth out! Lucky for me I'm at the dentist office, right?

You are not at the dentist, you drug-addled idiot! You are being tortu— er, I mean, Having a Frank Conversation and I will get answers from you!

Can you put mustard on it?

On what?

My frank.

(PUNCH)

Fine. I'll eat it plain. Like a savage.

Listen to me! I want that entry code and I will do anything to get it.

Anything?

Try me.

Fun! Um... would you moon a bunch of nuns? Or eat a handful if slugs? Or—

I meant I'd do anything to you.

Oh. Less fun.

Now give me that code!

I can't do that!

(DRILL NOISE)

(SCREAM) I don't want to tell you your business, but you're supposed to drill into a tooth, not a knee cap.

For the last time, I am not a dentist!

And you're never gonna be one at this rate. Now get me my frank!