Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Street Stupid

Clem Boykins, 55

Porta-Potty Cleaner/Visionary

In the previous chapters we've touched on the Smartypants Prohibition Act (SPA), the comprehensive federal law that made "smart" technology a capital crime. There were also less severe punishments for such infractions as "being a know-it-all," "acting like you're better than us" and "thinking your shit don't stink."

The unlikely inspiration for the SPA was a letter to the editor of The Weekly Grumbler: The Magazine for Malcontents written by Clem Boykins. It was an angry and resentful rant against the "smartypanstes" who "think there soooooooo smart" but "ain't got no lick a commun sents nohow!!!!!!! "

It clearly struck a chord with the shellshocked public, going bacterial (without the internet, nothing goes viral anymore, except for actual viruses) and in a matter of weeks his screed was considered by many to be The Declaration of Independence of post-Robot Apocalypse America, and Clem is now seen as a modern-day Thomas Jefferson. In terms of literary merit, it pales in comparison to our Founding Father's masterwork, but it surely exceeds him in terms of exclamation points and typos. When our resident grammarian Lucas tried to read it, he literally had a seizure.

It was kind of funny.

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Welcome, Mr. Boykins. Thank you for speaking to us today.

Is that supposed to be a joke, son? Are you making fun of me? I'm not going to sit here and be mocked!

No one is mocking you, Mr. Boykins.

Well, you better not be! Because I've got no problem pulling the plug on this interview right now!

Understood.

Good. So what do you want to know?

Let's start with your now-famous letter to the editor. What were you thinking when you wrote it?

I dunno.

Excuse me?

Truth is, I don't remember writing it. You see, son, I sometimes have memory loss 'cause of this medical condition I got.

Huntington's disease? Brain tumor? CTE?

Black-out drinking.

I see.

OK, now you're mocking me! That was a mock!

Not at all. I just find it interesting. You wrote this extraordinary letter that would change the course of history and you had no idea you had written anything!

That's right. Not until a friend a mine showed it to me in the paper.

Really?

Actually, Rocco's probably less of a friend than a — whattaya call it? — loan shark.

Is that why you your leg is in a cast?

None of your business, son. What? Are you writing a book?

I am.

Oh. Then yes, that's how I got the cast.

Were you surprised to see the name Clem Boykins in The Grumbler?

Was I ever! I thought, "Wow! There's another Clem Boykins out there! What of the chances of that?"[Laughs] And judging from the letter he wrote, we seen eye to eye on everything! [Laughs] But eventually I figured out it was me.