wanderlust for love [2won / hyungwonho fanfic]

Chapter 13

I realize I should let go, that I'm embarrassing myself by being so clingy, but at this point, I'm so shameless. But I'd embarrassed myself so much before that a little clingy behavior is nothing.

"I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be?"

As soon as I finish the sentence, a wave of nausea hits me and I know I'm going to puke.

Please don't let me puke on him, please God, I hope you at least love me enough to save me from that!

I push him away and race towards the bathroom, barely making it before the alcohol makes a grand reappearance. 

I'm shaking and weak. There is no way that I will ever do something like this again. 

I'm about to try to make it up to go get a cold towel, and the forgotten drink in the bedroom, when I feel someone pull my bangs back.

"Here," I hear Wonho say lightly, worming a cold ice pack in a headband around my forehead and ears.

Wow. What an angel. Already my headache is starting to feel better.

He helps to guide my butt back against he tub, gently pushing my head between my knees. 

He seems so calm and dependable and knowing, I want to fall into his arms and never leave.

He passes me a warm glass of something resembling cider, and takes a seat next to me against the tub.

"You don't have to be here, you know," I mutter weakly. Being around him when I look like shit (literally) and feel like shit (because he still likes me, even after everything) isn't something I'd really like right now. 

He doesn't respond, and for some reason it makes me mad. Am I pity case to him or something?

"Seriously, Wonho. Please go."

Again, he doesn't respond. By this point, I'm kind pissed for some reason, just one of those moods where you feel nasty and need to spew nasty too for literally no reason. 

I open my mouth to say as much, but I'm overcome with another round of sickness.

His hands brush back my sweaty hair out off of my cheeks. 

He's being undeniably sweet, but I can't seem to see that at that moment. All I'm filled with is rage, days worth of self worth being questioned bubbling to the surface.

Why did he invite me anyways? What are we? I'm so tired of all these ambiguous situations, which may not really be ambiguous, but just a result of me feeling too much. I'm angry. I want him out.

"Go! Please!" I stress, trying to keep my stomach calm as the anger builds.

He seems taken back at my response, pulling his hands back, his eyebrows drawn in in confusion. 

"I want to help you." His voice is higher than normal with emotion.  Concern? I don't care. I tell myself not to care.

"I don't want you to! I feel like garbage right now, so can't you just leave?! Seeing you is making me even more sick!" I know I'm saying too much and my mouth gets a nasty taste in it's mouth with the tang of insults, but I don't have the novelty to care because I have to turn back to the toilet.

I hear him shuffle back.

"Don't you think you're being a bit harsh? I should be the one who's mad..." he trails off quietly, monotone. He almost sounds hurt, but I don't allow myself to notice or feel bad.

"Why?" I yell in response. "Because I'm such a big embarrassment? I get it, Wonho! I've spent my whole life being one!" 

I close my eyes trying to push away the nasty feeling of sick with pure brainpower.

I hear Wonho get to his feet angrily, and I think he's leaving until he screams back, "Yes, Hyungwon! I'm just glad that you know! How could you be so naive?! You let that guy all over you and you didn't even know him! Who knows what kind of diseases you should have gotten if I hadn't stepped in." 

How easy for him to say! The hypocrite! Like he has any right to even say anything to me! His snappy response makes me even more mad.

"Says the one who has a new girl for each day of the week! You should be more worried about yourself!"

"But I can't!" He screams, hitting a crescendo of noise. "I can't seem to stop worrying about you, not matter what you're doing!" He breaths hard, dropping his head. 

I freeze. This is not what I anticipated coming out of his mouth right now and I find myself taking a quick breather to decide where he's going with this.

"I'm always worrying about you." He continues in a quieter tone. "Whether you're uncomfortable or eating well, whether people treat you well or let you be yourself..."

His voice fades away.

What.. what's going on here? I have a quick urge to vomit, but I manage to stifle it. He's saying something important, I feel it. 

He looks like he is struggling for words to express himself, and I feel myself calming, a tiny pinprick in the giant beach ball that is my anger. 

I stare into him. When he doesn't say anything, I prompt an answer.

"What are you saying right now, Wonho?" 

He looks up at me finally.

His eyes seem so conflicted that I'm worried. What is so hard for him to tell me? My mind scrambles to think of every little thing that could be wrong, what I could've done to make him so lost.

Does he want me to leave and doesn't know how to tell me? Should I just leave to spare him the trouble of figuring out how to tell me.

After making up my mind, I look at him.

"I'll just leave," I say quietly. "It's okay. I know what you're trying to say, so you don't have to make yourself uncomfortable and say it anyways. I'll just go."

I bow slightly at him, and make my way towards the bathroom door.

Suddenly, Wonho snakes his arm around my waist in typical K-Drama fashion, and pulls me against his chest.

I'm left reeling. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHY IS WONHO'S HEART BEATING SO FAST?

I want to run, I want to kiss him, I want to die...

He puts his nose to mine, and before I even understand what could possibly be going on, Wonho, the one and only Wonho, kisses me.

Holy shit.