These Four Walls

Twenty-three

I grab his hand and he gives mine a squeeze. I take a deep breath before we enter the main gathering area of the church.

I spot the twins sitting at the front pews and Liz sobbing beside them. Harry pulls me along and we take our seats beside the twins.

I look at the casket in front of me and it still hasn't sunken in that my dad is in there, no longer breathing.

Michael leans on me and I can feel his silent tears slipping down my arm. I reach over and put my arm around him and Matthew.

They're both so young and now, they no longer have a father. I continue to rub Matthew's arm but then he springs up and runs out of the room.

"Matt!" Michael yells and follows his brother out of the room. Liz is about to get up when I get up first.

"May I? Just stay here." I tell her and she nods, taking her seat again. I walk out of the gathering area and see Matthew on the floor crying with Michael trying to hug him.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" I ask them. "I don't get it Jade. Daddy was okay before, then he got sick and I thought the doctors were going to make him better." Matthew tells me.

His eyes are red from all the crying and he tries to wipe them but they are endless. "Mum said its cause dad didn't want to take the medicine." Michael adds.

"I know it's hard that dad isn't here anymore but it's going to be okay. We'll all get through this together. Dad didn't want to take medicine because he knew that we would be okay without him." I say to the boys carefully.

Every word I say hits me right in the stomach but I know I have to stay strong and help the boys get through this.

If this is hard for me, I can't even imagine how they are feeling. "Listen to me though, just because dad is gone doesn't mean I'm going to disappear from your lives." I tell him.

"I'm going to make a promise to you guys. I will visit you at least twice a month, if not more." I promise them.

"I love being your big sister, I love spending time with you guys and that won't stop cause dad's gone okay? I will try to fill in for him if that's okay with you guys." I smile at them.

"We would like that a lot Jadey." Michael tells me and gives me tight hug and I end up laughing.

"Can we come and stay with you Harry sometimes too? Our house is boring, yours is more fun." Matthew says as I pull him up.

"Of course, as long as it's okay with your mum!" I tell him and he leans up and gives me a hug and he pecks my cheek lightly.

"I know Harry says he's the only one that can kiss you but you're the best sister ever so I wanted to give you one too!" He tells me.

"You guys can give me as many kisses as you want to! Ignore what Harry said!" I joke with them and we all end up laughing together.

After the ceremony we all head to the cemetery and watch as they bury my dad into the ground.

Liz's tears are endless while mine refuse to pour. I keep thinking that my dad doesn't want me to be sad instead he wants me to celebrate his life and the fact that I got to be a part of it.

People start saying their goodbyes to Liz and once everyone else was gone I feel the hot tears on my face.

I can't help it anymore; my heart is breaking in so many pieces. He's gone and I must accept it.

Harry rubs my back in a comforting way, and I can't imagine what life will be like now.

We head home shortly after and I lay on the bed and watch the window for days. I can't find it in me to get up, to do anything, to breathe even.