Been Here All Along

22| closer

"I can't talk to you about shit because you and the rest of the world don't know what I have seen out there, what I've experienced. I think instead of trying to understand my mind, you should find someone whose mind works the same as yours. I hate to break it to you, Josie, but the world is not all butterflies and rainbows."

Four years ago, three years ago, maybe even last year, his outburst would've sent me into a state of catatonia. Now, the words only stung. They stung because of how it dawned on me that Ian apparently doesn't know shit about me or what I've gone through.

I parked the car in front of Ian's complex, but kept my finger over the lock so he couldn't get out of the car until I was done giving him a piece of my mind.

"I may have not experienced war, Ian, but I'm not ignorant enough to even remotely believe the world is all butterflies and rainbows. If there was anyone in the world who understood that about me, I thought it was you, but I guess I was wrong." I unlocked the car and motioned for him to get out. "Truly, I'm sorry for trying to be there for you to make up for all the times I needed you and you weren't there."

I didn't go with Ian inside like I normally would, or at least wait for him to make it to his door. I drove away as soon as I was done with my sentence because I was in complete shock that Ian could actually say that to my face like he did.

I went straight home, incredibly upset, and sat in my bed relaying my conversation with Ian repeatedly in my head.

Ian is the one person in the world to truly know me and understand me. There's Kaila, too, but Ian understands me on a whole different level than Kaila ever could. He knows things about me that no one else does, yet he could still seriously say that I don't understand the real world.

A couple hours passed of me attempting schoolwork, but I was actually just staring at it and thinking about Ian. A knock on the door was the first thing in hours to pull me out of bed.

It was Mason, which came as a surprise to me. He usually doesn't show up unannounced.

"Hey," I said, stepping aside for him to come in. "What brings you over?"

"In the neighborhood," he shrugged. Mason has always been a terrible liar though. Ever since we were in middle school, whenever he'd lie, he'd look up at the ceiling or the sky and then run his hands through his hair after. It was his tell.

"You're still a terrible liar, Mase," I chuckled softly.

"Okay, I was just at Ian's." I rolled my eyes and sat on my bed again with all of my schoolwork surrounding me. "Just hear me out for a sec, Jos."

I put down my pencil again and looked at him.

"He's really distraught right now. I'm not really sure what was said in the heat of the moment, but I swear it was his PTSD getting the better of him and he didn't mean any of it." I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. I'm really just still in shock he could say that at all, whether he meant it or not. "Please just go over and talk to him, Jos."

"I really don't want to be blown up at and belittled again," I mumbled. I managed to not have an emotional breakdown the first time, but two times strikes the heart.

"You won't, and if he does for some reason, then you have permission to come over and tear me a new one." He held out of his hand to shake on it. I couldn't help but chuckle as I shook his hand.

"Alright, I'll go talk to him."

~•~

My knuckles were hovering over the door his apartment to knock, but it was opened right as I began knocking. My knuckles came into contact with Ian's chest.

I looked up at him whilst biting my lip.

He looked a mess compared to when I'd last seen him a couple hours ago. The shirt he was wearing earlier now had a stretched out neck line, he'd changed into a pair of grey sweatpants, and his hair looked like a bird got trapped in it. His face was red, which means he was probably crying, and the bags under his eyes were intense.

"Jos, I was just coming to see you..." he mumbled. "I'm so sorry about what I said." His eyes held an unexplainable sadness. "I didn't mean it. I know you're just trying to be here for me. I know you know that the world isn't easy. I didn't mean any of it—" I cut him off by tightly wrapping my arms around his body to embrace him in a hug.

Ian pulled me into his apartment and shut the door behind me. He tucked a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.

"You're an amazing girl, Josie Elle. There's nothing I would ever change about you." As if it was an instinct, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. They were chapped, but I helped that out by licking his bottom lip for further entrance.

   His hands moved from my face to my waist, pulling my body closer to his. My hands found themselves at the hem of his shirt, pulling it up to urge him to take it off. It didn't take much convincing as he pulled away to pull it over his head moments later. As he tossed his shirt onto the ground, his lips found mine again.

   Ian side shuffled until we collapsed onto his bed in our heated make out session.

   "I love you so much, Josie," Ian whispered. He was hovering above me at arms length, smiling down at me. "More than I could ever explain."

   "I love you."

   In this moment, staring at the love of my life, I knew that there was no point in continuing to take things slow. Ian Miller is the one and only man for me.

•••

HEY! So sorry for the delay! To be honest, I only just wrote all of this earlier today. I've been going through it lately, honestly. Life has just been really rough on me, and finding the drive to write has just been difficult. I'm reprioritizing my life, so hopefully I get my drive back. I really do love writing, especially this story.

Speaking of, who likes the new cover? I was very hesitant to change it, but a lot of my friends liked this one :) feel free to share your opinion on which you liked more!

Hope you enjoyed this milestone in Ian and Josie's relationship ;)

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- Emily