Heart of A Woman

part 6

Domestic violence affect physiology and psychologically at the same time. It causes massive changes to the victim, and i was one of them. The morning after it happens it still feels like a dream for me. I was feeling really scared and like i dont care about him anymore, about Ian. Morning cames and my mother in law approached me and tell me to go to my family house because she is afraid that Ian will finally kill me. I went to my home and didnt tell a soul, i was so naive and stupid at that time for being so discreet about things that happens to me. Maybe i thought that things will change but it is only false hopes and am doomed due to my own selfishness. I was at my moms house and l actually feel quite relief for being there, and it passed for several days. Ian text me and beg for forgiveness and yadda yadda yadda, i believe in him. I think that is really the started of the phase in my life that i called "My Dark Fairy Tale Phase".

At first i thought he would never hit me anymore, but i remained calm through my pregnancy as i said before and finally baby Rian is born. He is born with MAS(Meconium Aspiration Syndrome) and need to be admitted for 5 days to complete the antibiotic. 2 weeks prior to his birth, Ian didnt come to my moms house after ive done the blood testing to checked for jaundice for Rian. I feel really saddened for my him and i could only encourage myself. Reminiscing this back saddened me too much for my baby who is lack of fatherly figure in his life. Days past and after my postnatal phase the real feelings emerge from within me, the jealousy is coming out and all the pent up feeling is emerging. I ask for a divorce again.

The domestic violence started again and becoming worse, its not only me but also happened to Aira. This continue until i started working back, where he comes to my workplace and start to vandalised my quarters and hitting me with nonsense cause etc late for pick up his call and text and he actually accused me of having affair with one of my colleagues. I was hit at my quarters, workplace, my moms home and even in my car, there is bruises on my body but no bruises on my face eventhough ive been hit on yhe face too, i wonder why. He even force me to drink alcohol and threatened me to harm myself, my son and my family again and again until im really traumatised that even the sound of my car which driven by Ian coming near the house feels like an impending doom. Its a continous cycle and i couldnt get out from it, even my family cannot do anything because i didnt reached out to anyone. Somewhere between all of that Aira cannot stand anymore and actually go back home to Philipines due to things not going according to plan and insist by her family. Ian actually cried that night because he lose his son and Aira that night. He actually accused me for being the cause of why she left that night and i was feeling so fed up with all of his shit for taking it all on me, but i can only cussed him in my mind and listening to his crying that night.

After that, Ian tried to make amend with me because he only got me as his wife, the one he can fuck, and there is only baby Rian. We go back to my quarters and started living as a family there with Ian taking care for baby Rian. Its a nightmare that happens only for a short time. He is having withdrawal symptom due to not taking amphetamine and making me so angry and worried for my son. Its so stupid of me for thinking that he can actually take care of my son. So i tell him to go meet Aira at Philipines and i will give him the money, because i couldnt stand with him anymore.