Play The Game (COMPLETED)

Chapter 42

"Malungkot ba ako?"

Umiling siya. "Nah. But you look really worried."

I sighed. "I think I really messed up the Remedial law part."

He tousled my hair. "I'm sure you'll pass."

"Paano kapag hindi?"

"Then, you'll take it again next year. You won't stop because that's your dream, right?"

I smiled. "Tapos magrereklamo ka na naman dahil masungit ako? Kagaya ng pagrereklamo mo nung BAR month?"

He laughed. "Who even asks for sinigang at 1am?!" he exclaimed. I remember how I made him ran around Manila, looking for sinigang at 1am. I was really nervous that night. I wanted to comfort food... at saka gusto ko lang pagtripan si Kier nun kasi sinabi niya na tumataba daw ako. Bwisit siya.

In the end, he cooked because he really couldn't find a store that delivers sinigang. Good times. We had good times.

I took a deep breath. "Kier... Kier has always told me how he hated his family... He was always in Manila to escape them... I guess... I guess I was the one who was always there for him whenever he's escaping. During the time we dated, sabay kaming kumakain palagi. I think I kinda got fat when we were dating. Kung saan-saan niya ako dinadala dati... He liked playing paintball. I didn't enjoy it because it honestly hurt, but he looked like he really wanted to play, so I always went with him kahit na lagi niyang sinasabi na 'wag na..." Then, I laughed when I remembered how Kier mercilessly shot the guy who shot me at the back. I yelped so hard because it really hurt when get hit with paintball.

Dr. Sena smiled. "Seemed like you had fun with him.

I nodded. "I had lots of fun... He was a fun guy." I paused, then took a deep breath. "But... but when we got married."

"You wanna talk about that now?" she asked. "We can still talk about that in another day."

Umiling ako. I wanted to get this out. Now. I couldn't stay in the darkness for another day. I needed to process this. I needed to understand what was happening.

"Kier... I knew Kier loved me... I never doubted that for one second... Kier was nice to me. For a few months, we have such good marriage... It started... It started when I attended Joey's birthday... We didn't know that Jax—he is my ex—would be attending because he never attended when he knew that I'd be going, as well... But he was there. And it would be weird if papaalisin namin siya... So, we awkwardly ate dinner together... And I didn't know why... Or how... But Kier learned about it." Huminga ako nang malalim. "That... That was the first time he slapped me."

Dr. Sena slid over a glass of water. My hands were shaking, but I managed to reach for it. I slowly sipped the water as memories began to drown me yet again.

"He.. He apologized. I forgave him. But it happened again... It made me think, was it my fault? Because I let him off that easy? Did I make him think that it's okay to do that because I'd eventually forgive him?"

Dr. Sena sighed. "It's not your fault, Katherine. You know, my father always told me that the moment a man raises his hand at a woman is the same moment that he stops being a man?"

I sadly smiled. "But... But deep inside, I keep on asking myself... Did I push him to be like that? Because he was not like that before... Pakiramdam ko... Pakiramdam ko napagod siyang mahalin ako... Siguro... Siguro kahit hindi ko harapang sinasabi sa kanya... Palagi kong pinapa-mukha na kahit kailan, hindi ko siya mamahalin kagaya ng pagmamahal ko kay Jax..."

"But did you love Kier?"

I nodded. "Of course... It's easy to love him. He was there for me."

"Did you show him that you love him?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell him that?"

I nodded. "Yes..."

"Then, why are you blaming yourself? You love him. You told him you love him. You showed him you love him. You love him, Katherine... It's not your fault if he didn't feel like that's enough... You don't force people to love you... They just do... And if he really loved you, there's never a reason good enough for him to hurt you... Because you know, you never hurt the people you love... At least, not on purpose... Not repeatedly... You don't do that if you really love someone."

Maliit ang tinig ko. Nagsimulaang sumikip ang dibdib ko.

"He died to save me," I whispered.

"That was his choice," she replied. "You don't have to feel the burden of his choice."

Umiling ako. "You don't understand... All these time... All these time, I hated him for everything he did... For hurting me... But... but in the end, he still loved me..." Nagsimulang magtubig ang mga mata ko. I could feel again. I could feel the pain. I could feel the searing pain inside my chest. "It... It feels so wrong to hate him... I don't want to forget how he hurt me... But I also don't want to hate him... I don't know what to do..."

Dr. Sena let me cry. She let me cry until I stopped. But even then, my heart didn't stop hurting.

"You can love him and still hold him responsible for what he did. Life is never black and white. There are gray areas. You can love someone, and still see his faults. And it's okay."

I nodded. "Can... Can I still hate him? And thank him?"

She nodded. "Of course. You do things at your own pace. You heal at your own pace. You control your life, Katherine. No one can force you how to feel. Only you know yourself."

* * *

I met Dr. Sena for a few more sessions. I told her everything. I told her about my parents, about my friends, about Cha, about Iñigo, about Kier, about Jax. I told her... I told her about prison... It felt better... I felt like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder.

"I know you're a busy person, so I will make this quick," I told Jacqueline Ramirez. She stared at me with such hatred. I pitied her. I pitied her because it must be so tiring to carry that every day...

"I didn't kill Kier. And I know you know that. But I also know that you blame me for his death... And that you will never forgive me, and you will try to hurt me in any way that you can..." I said as I slid an envelope toward her. I had learned to embrace my weakness. I wanted to use them to my advantage. "Inside... Inside are things that can bring hell to your family... I have no intention of ever using them... But if I ever hear about any of the people I care about getting hurt... I will not hesitate to bring hell to your family."

Mabilis akong tumayo. Diretso akong naglakad, hindi lumingon para tignan siya. I just wanted to close that chapter in my life. I didn't want to re-visit it.

"To the airport, please," I told the driver as I began to type a message for Jax.