ex silentio | ivan goncharov x reader

ᴄᴀʀᴇ

. . .

Without even bothering to eat the meal left for you that morning, you stepped outside, rushing to reach the hall where you'd previously met Ivan. Running down the tunnels appeared to be an activity now slightly different than before; you had a purpose to reach now, and the goal was now at last physical and - well, real. What an incredible feeling! To know that your footsteps had one direction and that your mind is at last put in order! Is this happiness, or just a glimpse of what it should feel like?

It seemed as if your heart grew with each meter you came closer to the door, and once you stopped before it, the pumping organ could barely find any room left to fit in your chest. Lifting your hand up, you knocked, and in some moments, there Ivan was, ready to let you in.

"(Y/N)! Good morning! I hope you've slept well?" He greeted you cheerfully, making your visage brighten. "I have! Thank you for asking! And you?" you chirped back.

"Me too! That's good, since we have important matters to discuss." He bowed slightly and took your hand. With a gentle tug, he lead you to the table where you two sat for hours yesterday. Two cups of tea were placed on its polished surface. "Now it would be rude to reject tea which I've already prepared, don't you think?" He smiled slyly at you, and you nodded in agreement. What a clever man indeed.

"What is it that you've wanted to talk about?" You asked as you sat down, to which he responded in a calm tone: "I've spoken with Dostoyevsky concerning your ability. He plans on using it soon."

A shiver ran down your entire body. You looked at Ivan, who was intent on staring at the liquid in his cup. Master has decided to use... you? This was too soon, far too soon; you weren't ready. Your ability was impossible to adapt to if you were to use to its fullest - and what else would the master demand of you, but to give it your best and beyond? No - he wouldn't demand it of you, you would give it all yourself. However, you couldn't. Not yet.

"I don't think I'm ready..." you whispered, your voice barely audible.

"If he thinks you are, then you are. Besides," he took a sip, "I've already told you not to doubt Dostoyevsky's judgement."

"I don't doubt his judgement, not at all. I doubt myself." Your statement made Ivan laugh, but you indeed told him the truth, however stupid may it be.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you so insecure?" He glanced at you, his eyes almost closed.

"First of all, I barely ever used my ability. Second of all, I'm afraid that I'll fail you. Then..." you found yourself at a loss of words, although you were certain you could say much more.

"I have told you that Dostoyevsky believes in you and that alone should erase all of your insecurities. Everything would be much easier if you understood things on a simpler plane. But you're too stubborn to let go, aren't you?" His disapproving voice reached you.

"I am, and I'll try to improve myself," you told him. You weren't being entirely honest; you knew that getting rid of that one specific flaw was almost impossible.

He smiled at you. "I'm glad to hear that. Great. Now... due the nature of your ability, you need another ability user to make it work. Dostoyevsky picked me as the template." He then placed his gloved hand on his chest, an act to display his self-satisfaction. But to you, as much that was a good news - since you got to work with Ivan, a person you were actually comfortable with - you got just a bit nauseous.

"That's great! When will we practice, then?" You tried your best to hide the slight disgust you were feeling at the moment.

"Later this day, if you're fine with that."