Been Here All Along

20| despacito

   It's always a big deal when Ian opens up to me in any way, shape, or form involving his service. I know it's not easy for him.

   "When I would stay up late at night trying to get comfortable on my small cot in my hot room, I'd think about how I would be sharing a dorm with some random guy and enduring my first ever cold winter. The cold sounded so nice when I was so hot like I was. When I was shotgunning beers with the other guys on my base, I would remember the times Mason and I used to compete over it. When I would watch the guys mourn the deaths of our friends, I would be reminded of your beautiful, sad face when I told you I was leaving. Worst of all, when I would fire my gun and watch it pierce through someone's skin, I would think about how I could be writing an essay and complaining about how it was the worst thing in the world."

   My mind was blown, really. I don't know why I thought that Ian never did any thinking about home while he was away. I don't know how I could even think Ian could just walk away from his life without a single thought. Truthfully, there probably wasn't a day that his life or the life he could've had at home didn't cross his mind.

   Ian picked his chin up to see if I had anything to say, but I didn't. I didn't know what to say. I don't think he minded, though. All he really needed was someone to talk to and someone to listen, and I was listening. I was all ears.

   "But everything in life goes exactly how it's supposed to. It may not make sense today or tomorrow, but it will make sense eventually. I did what I did and I don't regret it for a second." This is why I admire Ian so much. No matter what life throws his way, he fights through it and hard. His determination is what makes him unique; he is determined to make some type of imprint in this world. One thing I know is that he has definitely left an imprint in my world.

After hearing everything Ian had to say, I realized something. For the past four years, I've cried over Ian leaving. I was heartbroken that he was gone and no longer by my side whenever I needed him. I had thought that he would just stop thinking about me and all of his other family members and friends, but that was just proved to be wrong. Physically, Ian was deployed and out of touch. Mentally, however, Ian had been here all along.

   "I agree." I was at loss for any other words. Except for the next three that just spluttered out of my mouth with no warning. "I love you."

   Ian's head snapped in my direction, I was genuinely concerned he got himself a severe case of whiplash. His jaw was slightly agape as his eyes bored into mine.

   Well, there's no going back now.

   "I love you, Ian Miller. I always have and I always will." Of course I started to cry saying it.

   He didn't say it back, but he didn't have to. The way he crushed his lips onto mine and let them mold together in sync was enough to get the message across.

   After we broke apart, we rested our foreheads against each other's. I'm embarrassed to say I started balling my eyes out at that.

   Tears of happiness.

   For the first time in four years, I got to say I love you to Ian and I got to kiss him. I've never done anything that felt so unexplainably right.

Ian and I were sitting here, still processing what just happened, but were interrupted by the familiar sound of Noah Griffith's obnoxious gasp. It's sad that I can still identify his gasp so easily.

I think Ian did, too, because we both pulled apart and looked behind us to find Noah and a pretty, Mexican girl standing beside him.

"No fuckin' way, y'all are back together?" Noah's jaw dropped. Yeah, I can't believe I even thought for a second he could've ended up at MIT. Noah's not all there.

The girl, who I am assuming is his girlfriend, hit his arm and rolled her eyes at his bluntness.

"No," I declined. "We are just...reconnecting. It's all still new, and I'd really appreciate it if you kept this to yourself for now."

Noah nodded and reached his hand out to dap Ian up. "This is my girlfriend, Andrea by the way." Andrea offered Ian and I both smiles. "She's shy." She hit his arm again, making Ian and I both chuckle.

"You must be the famous Ian and Josie?" Leave it to Noah to forget to properly introduce us.

"Yeah, that's us."

"Noah's told me all about your guys' fun times in high school." We really did have a lot of good times together. It's sad he moved and we lost touch like we did. I regret not making a better effort to keep in our lives. That's going to change now though.

"Good times," Ian laughed. Noah joined in too.

The boys were always doing tons of stupid stuff; that's probably what they are laughing about. Like the time they decided to climb an excavator at a construction site or climbed the roof to the school.

"Funny we ran into you actually," Noah said, a big smile on his face. Not to mention it's totally unexpected considering, between the four of us, 25% of us lives in Massachusetts. "Jos, remember how I was talking about how we were indecisive on whether we'd move to Florida or Ohio?" I nodded. "I took her to Florida to visit Westchester and explained my childhood to her and she agreed to move there!" At that, Noah flashed his girlfriend a bright, truly elated smile. You could tell that her agreeing to move to Florida with him meant the entire world to him.

"I'm so glad." I am excited to rekindle my friendship with Noah and get to know his kind girlfriend, too.

Noah and Ian talk for a few minutes longer until it's time for us to go. It's our last night here and Mrs. Miller is making dinner for us. As much as she hates cooking, she's a god at it.

We said our goodbyes and spoke it into existence that we would get together once Noah and Andrea are back in Florida.

It wasn't until we reached the car that I was ready to bring up my words and Ian's actions that I reciprocated and enjoyed immensely.

"E," I began.

"Wait," he said. "First, I love you, too, Josie Elle. Always have and always will. I just needed to say that in case I wasn't clear enough before."

Oh, he was mighty clear. But I loved to hear it anyway.

"E, I love you, but it's too soon, ya know?"

"I know, you only just broke up with Joel barely a week ago. I don't expect you to jump from one serious commitment to another that quickly."

"Let's just take it slowly," I offered. "Let's be best friends again before we are more." Like when we were kids.

"I couldn't agree more, Jos."

•••

Happy Friday! Here's another update.
I went back to school this week after a two week break and it was long and draining. I'm just grateful it is FINALLY the weekend.

I don't have much to say in this authors note besides hope everyone had a good week!!!

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- Emily