I can't help it (James and Grayson)

Chapter 1

Grayson's POV:

It's been eating me up lately... well I guess it's been eating me up for a hell of a lot longer now. Maybe a couple years. But I've been trying my damn hardest to be normal, like how mum and dad want me to be, how the world wants me to be, how I need to be. Even Ethan doesn't know the truth and he's the one I'm closest too, my best friend. Maybe that's the reason I've been keeping my distance from him, he's the one who can see best through my lies; and if I avoid him he won't be able to see the strain in my voice as I say 'yeah she's super hot' about some girl he saw on Instagram. Truth is, I don't think any girl is hot, not in the way Ethan does.

I've been denying my truth for so long now I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop. And so I don't, I'm not ready yet... Hell will I ever be ready to admit to the world that I'm gay? Or that I'm in love with James?

-9am on a Monday morning-

I wake up in a cold sweat, I just had a dream my father was beating me up when I announced to the family that I like guys. There was so much blood, my nose was broken and even awake, I still feel the pressure on my chest from my fathers kicks.

I'm afraid that my coming out will go exactly like that. You see, my dad and mother have been homophobic for their whole lives, I used to blame it on their upbringing until I became an adult and realised it's very easy to form your own ideas about the world. That's the reason I try to avoid seeing them as often as possible. They'll come visit me and Ethan once a month but that's honestly all I can take. All I can think about when I see them is their constant homophobic comments they would make whenever they saw a gay couple; "Fucking scum needs to die' or 'no child should have to see that shit on the streets". Dad once even beat up a gay guy who stood up for himself at a club when dad made a comment about him under his breath. Somehow charges were never pressed but the memory of dad gloating about it still scares me.

I leave my bed and go eat breakfast, even though my appetite is now gone. I have to seem normal so that Ethan doesn't ask any questions.

We're meeting up with James and Emma for lunch today, not filming anything but just to hang out, they are after all our closest friends. The issue is, being around James is hard. I have to act all macho and like I don't care about the guy he has a crush on. Falling for James wasn't hard, he's not like his Internet personality at all. In real life, he's much more calm and mature, he's so caring and he always makes sure everyone is okay before he is. He goes out his way to do nice things for you and doesn't expect anything in return. He always makes me laugh with his sarcastic comments. Most of all though, I love the way he's unapologetic for who he is. I admire how he can be so openly truthful to all his followers. The thought of telling my followers I'm gay makes me sick to my stomach.

It all started when I noticed I was staring at his lips for too long when he was talking to me. He has such nice lips, always painted in some colour. All I hoped for is that he didn't notice me staring. Next I realised I was always trying to get close to him, and I know James loved it because he is someone who enjoys platonic intimacy. Whenever he would stand close I would put my hand on his hip or wrap my arm around his waist. I stopped however when I saw how everyone glared at me strangely. Now I try to stay at least a meter away from him in all public spaces. I also began getting this strong burn in my stomach whenever I saw him with other guys, I quickly identified this as jealousy. I knew I couldn't do anything about it without giving it away. Whenever we're alone, I always get far too close to James, letting him stroke my hair when I put my head on my lap as I lay on the sofa or hold my arm when we're watching a scary movie.

The thought of being at his house today is already making me nervous to the point where I can't finish my breakfast. Instead I reply to a few business emails whilst I wait for Ethan to get his lazy ass up.