Second Snapshot (Picture This Sequel: Niall Horan)

-Lifting the curtain on reality; it's the best way forward. [Chapter 50]

“Niall?”

I started and he looked up at me as he began folding away his rubbish and finishing his drink.

“Uh huh?”

“Thanks…Thank you for coming here. You didn’t have to.”

I smiled and now he snapped his gaze to mine and for a moment he just looked at me and then gave me a small smile. I felt his fingers creep onto my leg and then slide up my thigh and this time I didn’t pull it away as he began caressing it with his thumb in small and simple movements. But they were filled with so much power as it seeped through me, making me feel all tingly.

“You say that, but I kinda did. I couldn’t leave it any longer Ash. I…I just really wanted you to see that you’re the only one I have eyes for and ever have. But...Is everything really okay now? Any other times I’ve screwed up or I will in the future, you’re the only one that matters to me. Can you see that?”

I sighed and then looked down at my lap and slipped my fingers in between his entwining them together he instantly locked them and gave my hand a squeeze. I bit my lip and I could feel his bright irises on me, watching, waiting for me to say something back. Suddenly he seemed to get a bit tenser. I could see that, of course I could. When Niall’s genuine I can always tell and he is, and he always has been with me. It wasn’t the fact that he felt he needed to say sorry a million times that made me love him more, it was the fact that he was honest with me; and that was all I could ever ask for.

“Of course everything is okay...It wasn't just you that this thing was about Niall, in fact, it was probably more about me. Don't you understand? I couldn't...I couldn't be happy with you, until I was happy with myself. Niall I could see that and I forgave and believed you the first time you told me you were sorry. It’s not the initial apologies that were important to me, it was the messy details and hurt that was left over afterwards. But I told you, it’s okay, I’m over it now. The past is the past.”

For a minute he didn’t say anything, do anything, he just stared back at me. I could practically see the guilt oozing out of him. I wondered if it was the same type of guilt I felt for so long when I broke up with him; but there was no real way of telling. Because there’s some things you just can’t describe, you can pluck any random word from the dictionary, you can twist it, turn it, change it’s context, it’s meaning, but you can’t make it describe that feeling. Because some things, are left better undefined. Unexplained. Unspoken.

“I…I know you said you’re finished with this conversation but there’s still some things I wanna clear up with you. I mean, if you don’t mind?”

He stammered and I looked up at him trying to force a small smile. In all honesty; this conversation was and had been, killing me. Of course it was nice to get his side on everything, for me to hear and listen to his apologies, his confessions and honesty in person, but really; maybe it had just been so long since it actually happened all conversation about it had run dry in my mind. And that was okay, because I wasn’t at all thirsty for it. But in his mind there still was, and that was okay too, because not everything can always go my way and I understand that. I understand it a lot better now than I used to, that’s for sure.

“Sure,” I said folding up a napkin with my free hand and placing it with the rest of my rubbish. “Shoot.”

For at least ten seconds he was silent and I could tell he was thinking. Forming the words, contemplating different ways to phrase it. I’d done this so many times too so I understood and I waited patiently as I busied myself with compacting the rubbish into the smallest possible form. Even though I’ve been doing a lot of work on the way I convey myself I still am obsessed with things being neat and tidy. And I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever get over. It’s just who I am. And Niall’s gonna have to put up with it twenty-four seven…Poor him. He knows what he’s getting himself into.