Serendipity

Chapter 5

( Stitches by Shawn Mendes ft. Hailee Steinfield )

Iris's POV:

I cried.

I cried till I couldn't cry anymore. I cried till I couldn't breathe anymore. I cried till I couldn't feel anymore. And trust me when I say this that this is one of the saddest moment in ones life.

I was cramped up in one corner feeling miserable, feeling like I wanted to end things over here but I couldn't, I couldn't kill myself because while I didn't have any one who really needed me in their life, I still had to live for my aunt.

No, not live. Exist. I had to exist for my aunt.

My life was empty, my heart, my mind all was empty. Void of any emotions. I sat there not doing anything.

Just sitting and waiting. Waiting for the time to pass, for my misery to be over but nothing seemed to be changing.

Time was stuck. At least it was for me. In this moment I felt so worthless that I won't be able to explain it. I was all alone, no one by my side. I was pathetic.

What Elliot said really hurt me, no it more like destroyed me. I don't love him, he's not a special person in my life.

He is not a friend or someone important that whatever he says will effect me. But what hurt was not that he was the one to insult me rather it was what he said that wounded me.

I felt as miserable as I felt at that time. I was used to this badmouthing for I had spent my whole life being insulted.

But Elliot saying those things to me brought the unpleasant memories I was trying to forget all along.

All those words which for me were so hard to block out were coming back again and those memories were slowly but surely destroying me.

Happiness. That was all I wanted throughout life. I searched for it. In things, in people, in places, in moments but to my luck not once had I found what I was so desperately looking for.

Some of you might call me selfish or would reject the thought which said that I had never had happiness in my whole life but I am not lying.

I used to tell myself in various circumstances that I can be happy, I will be happy one day but sadly my happiness never came and I eventually gave up on it.

Because expectations only lead to heartbreak and I couldn't afford a broken heart again.Who am I kidding? How can one break a heart which is already broken?

..........................

After being miserable for many hours I finally found the strength to get myself up and be productive and by being productive I meant going to the bathroom and taking a long hot shower to relax my brain and heart.

I couldn't let what Elliot said have too much of an effect on me or I'd damage more of what had already been harmed.

Don't be weak.

This was something I used to tell myself since a long time ago. This didn't boast my ego, I used to say this only to make myself believe the illusion of strength which I set up.

The shower helped me cool down and I felt a lot better and it also gave me time to arrange my thoughts.

So, I've concluded that I don't hate Elliot for what he said to me as from his point of view, my intentions do look corrupted.

But for him to call me such foul things without even knowing me or my character is wrong, no matter the circumstances.

I felt insulted at the fact that he was willing to take just any woman to bed with him, it was very disgraceful.

The word disgraceful only brings one person's name to my mind and even though I don't particularly like Elliot, I don't wanna put him in the same league as her. Clara.

She was a very evil and manipilative women that I hated to be associated with.

Clara didn't look at other people as humans, she looked at them like they were tools or her pawns in a game of chess. She was pure wicked and dirty.

She always went around calling herself my mother when she most definitely was not, a mother isn't like what she is.

She married my father for his money and killed him off when she no longer needed him.

My real mother left me a long long time ago but I didn't forget her, I still remember her.

She left me without even a goodbye, not that our parting was pleasant rather I'd like for it to be forgotten but it's stuck in my brain.

Before leaving she didn't tell me she loved me or that one day she would come back, no she didn't and I'm glad I wasn't fed false hope to live off of.

She left me feeling wounded and broken.

All alone.

My seven-year old self was told right in the face that 'I shouldn't have even given birth to you.'

Yeah, it really hurt being told that your birth was something your own mother regretted but I agree with her, even I regret being born.

My birth mother leaving me was another chance for Clara to always torment me. I was always told my existence was a mistake, that I was nothing but a mere burden.

Most people critasized me for being so negative but how can you expect a person who has been living as a mistake or burden her whole life and had not even received a simple compliment since her birth, to live as if she loves herself.

How can I be positive or love myself when I haven't ever been shown any love? When I don't even know the feeling of love or care?

I have always been alone, I am alone and will be alone so what is the use of having a luxury such as love in my life when I can't even afford it.