Same, but Different

•Chapter VII•

Eren grabbed his plate and stood beside me as he washed his plate, speaking calmly. "I'm sorry, okay? I know you think I'm being reckless and stupid, and today I definitely was, but this is what I'm doing, this is how I'm coping, and you have no right to judge that."

"I'm fucking sorry, okay. I'm sorry I can't just drop my girlfriend and be with you. I'm sorry I'm not the fucking knight in shining armor that'll sweep you away to your happily ever after. I know you're hurting, but I do care about you. I do like you. I want you to feel better, I really do want you to be happy, but I don't want the kids' happiness endangered because of it. I wasn't born yesterday, Eren." I pulled the collar of his shirt down. "I know what you've been doing. You're an adult and I'm not your father and I don't want to be your father, but I consider myself your friend and as your friend, I think it's highly irresponsible to be going around having one night stands when you have a son waiting at home. It's even worse when you come home really fucking late and my daughter has to coax Tobias into eating because he wants to eat with his 'Daddy'. You're going to just feel empty and/or contracting something. You deserve something more than just casual sex. Now act like it."

"I don't want a happily ever after," Eren replied, putting his clean plate and cutlery back into the right drawers/cupboards. "And I don't need happiness, or love, or whatever the hell you think I want right now. I don't feel empty, and I don't deserve more than casual sex. I chose casual sex, because I'd rather have that than fawn over a guy who is never going to spare me a second glance, than wait and watch as he finds a girlfriend, and sleeps with her, and marries her, because then I'll be nothing more than the pathetic father who can't get over himself and look after his son." The brunet quickly wiped away tears. "I'll be home on time, this was a one off, but don't you dare try and give me advice because you think you know what's best for me because you don't. I am coping, and I will stop once I get over you, but let me live my life, Levi. Titan is my son, and I'm so sorry for leaving him with you let alone leaving him alone, because I have never left him alone before, but it will not happen again. I will get over myself, just give me time. Let me have my casual sex, just for now, because I sure as hell can't have you."

"It's not the same and you know it." I shook my head. "I'm done speaking on the matter. If the kids ever need me again, I'll be there for them. You haven't failed Toby yet. I hope you stick to that." I stopped in my tracks while leaving the kitchen. "And if casual sex is what's equivalent to what you wanted me to be, I'm glad that I couldn't be with you because I wouldn't want to be used like that." And with that, I left and shut myself away in my room.

-

I buried my face in my pillow, shaking as images flash through my head. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't comprehend or remember the snapshots long enough to make sense of them.

Lately, I had noticed that I was subconsciously filling in the soldier's face with that of Eren. I didn't know why I did it, but I was. It just seemed so... right and I didn't have to even think about it. It just happened.

Eren's confession had shaken me to say the least, leaving me confused and wanting answers. Some weird part of me was actually happy that he liked me, but that part dissipated when I started realizing that these one night stands were my replacements.

Eren's confession seemed so emotional, so pure, but then as soon as it didn't turn out the way he wanted, he went to the bar every single fucking night and came back looking more at ease. How could something like what Eren described be even partially replaced by shacking up with strangers? My conclusion:

He lied.

I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it did, the fact that I kept inserting him into my dream soldier, the fact that I kept picturing him and thinking about him when I was with Chelsea. He was consuming me like the man-eating beasts I kept drawing recently, the one I drew the most even looking a bit like him. He was absorbing my being and I was letting him, simply because I didn't want him to leave.

I was selfish, but Eren had this indescribable effect on me. He was someone I felt safe with with all the Aki drama, someone I felt like I could confide in. But he wasn't that anymore. He was the man I stayed awake for, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he'd come home. I didn't necessarily believe that he'd leave and never come back as long as I had Tobias, but I couldn't get over the fact that human beings are twisted and that Eren could be kidnapped and/or hurt. He deserved more than what he was subscribing himself to. He needed to see that.

Curling up in my bed, I borderline suffocated myself as I tried to rest my body, but not my mind.

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Author's Note:

What an emotional chapter.

Who was in the right? Who was in the wrong?

Thoughts?

-Ari-gami aka Author-chan