Handcuffed

Chapter 13

I knew he was right. I was almost finished with this shitty withdrawal and after tonight, it would get easier. This was the height, the climax of this suffocating situation. After this, after tonight, it would get better gradually.

But tonight was just beginning and the heat in me, longing for the sweet relief, took over all my willpower. Numerous times today, I would bolt for the door, even with him sitting right by me. Try, try, try. And it all ended in seconds before I even got to the door. He would pin me to my bed, tackle me to the floor, grab me and throw me back to the bed, block me.... He did all of that today to keep me here. Despite how tired and off guard I figured he would be, he was fast, strong, and ready. He wouldn't let me slip by him again after this morning.

It didn't matter to me though. I was going to die! Going to suffer and die if I didn't have it in my system and that felt like such an incredibly true fact. I knew it would happen, no matter what he said. No person could go through this hurt and live. Which is why I tried countless times, needing to at the very least give it some attempt.

But now, it was the worst moment in my life. The pain was something I wasn't going to, couldn't, get through. I was going to die and I was so sure of that. The fire was too strong, the feeling in my head overwhelming. Agony filled me and was released with screams. But it never stopped coming. Suffering to the full extent, the sickening realization came to me that Luke must be lying. He must be wrong because there was no way I could handle this, get through this!

"I will die!" I screamed up in his face that was no more than an inch away. And as I screamed, the only thing i could successfully do was wait. Wait for him to cuff me here and leave me to die.

His eyebrows dipped through my blurry vision, hurt on his face and so much sympathy. "You will not die. I promise you."

He didn't understand. The pain was just too much. Deep down, no matter how much it felt like I would die, I knew I would be okay. I would wake up in the morning. Somehow I would get through the pain like he promised. But he didn't know of what else would happen to me, internally. He wouldn't know the reason I was going to end up in tears tonight. Not from the pain, no matter how much it hurt; I could get through it and suffer with no tears. Tears would come from a much deeper pain.

My eyes flickered from his face to where his hand was, ready to move it down and lock my wrist under the cool material of my own hell. One of the two ratchets were already locked around one of the bars of my headboard. All that was left for him to do was my wrist. My breath was hard, panicked and I didn't even care if he knew I was scared and weak anymore. All that was racing in my mind was the knowledge that I needed drugs and that I might truly lose my mind if he handcuffed me.

"You can't promise!" I yelled in his face. "You don't know! You will never understand! Just don't do this, don't handcuff me!"

No matter how much my mind was focused on my situation, I couldn't help but notice that something happened to his eyes. They widened, lit up at my words and I recalled earlier my thoughts.

He helped me with so much since I have been home. Pretty easy on me, if you ask me. But the one thing he refused to do was give me an alternative option when it came to being handcuffed. Well, he pushed for the reason I needed to be handcuffed and if I didn't give him a good one, he would leave me handcuffed. I wasn't sure why, but he wanted desperately to know my reasoning behind not wanting to be handcuffed.

"Then tell me why," he pushed like before.

Yet... no matter if he saw this scared me, if he saw that this hit a nerve, I wouldn't tell him something that would make me lose my dignity. My whole life, I have been teased, accused of wanting attention. People coming up to me and asking me if they could see my self inflicted cuts; wanting to know why I wasn't in a mental hospital. I was an animal at the zoo.