I don't know how long I'm sitting here on the floor of my shared walk in closet when I hear the front door shut and then loud footsteps on the stairs leading up to my bedroom. I'm supposed to be getting ready for a dinner the record label is throwing to celebrate the release of the boys first album in 5 years.
I met Niall during the hiatus. He had been doing his own solo tour and he came to my town and we met at a local pub after his show. I hadn't been around the other girls that much and I was nervous about meeting them. They were all...different than me.
"Babe, where are you at? We have to get ready. I'm gonna hop in the shower quick." I reply that I'm getting dressed and he accepts my answer and I hear the shower running. He had been golfing all day and he was undoubtedly very sweaty, so I had a few more minutes till he was going to find me here in the closet wearing just my towel after my own shower.
Niall comes in and I'm pulled from my thoughts. "Why aren't yeh dressed? Why are yeh on the floor? Is somethin' wrong?" He starts to pull out his suit that his stylist had set out for him, and when I don't move or respond, he stops, pants half buttoned. Its then that he sees the tears quietly streaming down my face.
"What are yeh cryin' for?" he asks. "Do ya need some water or somethin'? Should I call yer ma?" I just look at my clueless boyfriend and I know hes getting frustrated. He has no clue what to do in these situations. He sighs and sits down next to me. "I don't wanna go." I lean my head on his bare shoulder. "I don't like how I look in the dress." "Babe, you probably look fine, just...why are ye crying? C'mon, we're gonna be late."
He stands up and continues getting dressed. I get up and walk to the vanity and start doing my hair and makeup. "I'm sorry Ni, I just don't feel comfortable in it." He's never been good at dealing with my anxiety. "I can't just cancel cause ya don't wanna wear a dress." "It's not about the damn dress. You don't get it. El, Cheryl and the other girls are much thinner and prettier than me. Your fans aren't that thrilled with my entire existence as it is and I just can't get out of my own head right now, so I am terribly sorry if I just CAN'T put it on right now."
'I don't frankly give a fuck what anyone else thinks about ya babe, cause the only person who matters is me and I think ye look great in sweats. I love you, they're going to love you, and if they don't screw 'em. They've all heard a lot about you and they are so excited to finally get to know you. The boys talk about how great you are to them all the time. They already think you're amazing."
"That didn't help. You've talked me up to be this amazing person and they are going to be massively disappointed when I show up. "
"What do I have to do right now to get you in this dress. Any dress, fuck I'd be happy if ya just wear that damn towel."
I sigh and finish my makeup. I don't feel like doing my hair so I just comb it through and put a little texture spray in it and leave it hang down my shoulders.
"What about your meds, did ya take em?"
"I didn't want to cause I feel like I'm not myself."
"Its okay, it just helps you get out of your head. You heard your doctor, your dose is the equivalent of a glass of wine. Think of it that way."
After finally putting the dress on, I quickly put on my shoes and jewelry. I walk down the stairs and my boyfriend is standing at the bottom looking like an absolute prince. "You look amazing, Ni."
"Yeah yeah you look great too, lets go."
"Okay that's not helpful. Next time try stunning, beautiful, terrific, if you can't think of a word say speechless. Or just grab me and kiss me and that will say enough."
He pulls me into him and kisses my forehead. "I already told ya, I think you look fantastic in everything. And this dress was made for you. I'm sorry, I'm not tryin' to be insensitive, I just don't know what ya want from me today. I feel like I keep sayin' and doin' the wrong thing."
"I don't know. Just, tell me you love me."
"I love you, Y/N."
"Yeah yeah, I love you too, lets go."
--
An few hours later we are in the car on the way home and he reaches over and grabs my hand and squeezes it. "You were great tonight. You had nothin' to worry about. But, I am sorry I don't know how to better help ya."
"Its okay. Maybe come with me to my next appointment. The biggest thing is just be there. Don't get angry that I'm upset and don't put down my feelings. It may be completely irrational, but sometimes I just can't get out of my own head."
"I love you, Y/N"
"I love you, too."
