Alone [manxman]

seventeen:: when you make amends.

The comfort it brought her would be enough.

I couldn't leave her without a proper goodbye.

So I made a list inside, a list of the apologies I'd dish out and the people I'd see, all the things we'd do to make the last memory perfect. Disappointing them and always carrying that weight would be replaced, I found this realization to be the worst.

That I was so content with my decision that I insisted on arranging these goodbyes so meticulously. I'd say goodbye to my father with a game of soccer outdoors, maybe shedding tears into his shoulder, he'd remind me that I was strong and I'd smile... as if I knew a secret he wouldn't be clued in on.

I'd leave him with some hope, some reminder that I knew he loved me even if I ignored that at times.

I looked awful.

That much was the obvious as I made my way out of the hospital room. Chilly, I pulled my sleeves over trembling hands, shoving the pamphlets I'd been given in the trash.

Honestly, once the questions had been cleared, I'd stopped listening. I wasn't sure where Danny was but my throat was dry and I'd stopped at a water fountain, hoodie pulled over my head,

Tightening the strings, I sighed and shoved my hands into the pocket of my old varsity hoodie.

"Julian?" The sounds of my name would've been alarming on any other day.

It would've put me on edge, anyone I knew seeing me here, looking how I looked but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Sullivan Clemons was in scrubs, chipper smile that reached his eyes and he was holding a stack of papers when he stopped by me.

"Sullivan."

"Hey." If possible, his smile got even bigger. I forced one in reciprocation. "Didn't think I'd see you in my parks." And he sounded nervous although he tried to make it conversational. "What are you doing here?"

What did that have to do with him?

Honestly, I wasn't sure why the universe kept pushing us together. Sullivan was cute, he was new, but he didn't make my heart race. I decided that that meant that I didn't like him at all.

Maybe my expectations were too high.

"You work at the clinic?" And maybe he was a liar too, he'd said he worked at the hospital.

He was shaking his head though, biting his bottom lip. "No, I volunteer. I work at Grady."

Then why are you here? He was questioning me like he had a reason too and something about his energy felt imposing.

He offered up more information that I didn't ask for. "They get really busy on weekends and they're really nice so sometimes I come in and organize, tidy up a bit."

He was like fucking Florence Nightingale.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

And it was silent again, it was awkward. I'd shuffled my socked feet in Nike slides. Sullivan's smile dropped into a half one that I was sure was cute to everyone.

He was cute, he had a nice job, he was a nice person... what was wrong with me? And why was he so fixated on me? His interest felt insincere but he sounded anything but.

"I-uh- had fun the other night."

"Yeah." I did too until I realized that I wanted to kill myself.

"Uh..." He coughed and I briefly wondered if I'd said it aloud. But Sullivan was still smiling, this time apologetically. He'd lifted the stack of papers up slightly. "I've gotta get this paperwork to the doc but call me?"