The Color of Blood: a poetry book

The Last Goodbye

I wanted to tell you that I didn't want this. I just need someone to come clean up the mess when I'm done. I realized If I did it I could forget about being anything for anyone forever.

I know that you dont see that Im always fighting or that Ive been doing it for so many years.

I know that you cant see it. but when I look at myself all I see is someone who is broken and cannot be healed. Someone that will always be mutilated by her own hands. And even if she wasnt- scars will always be there.

I dont know why I cant be happy Ive lived my life and Ive tried to be good to everyone I mess up but what did I do to deserve this?

Sometimes others think that I can just be more positive, and that Im just too negative I just have to cheer up you dont have these demons burrowed within your body you dont know how it feels to not be able to. you dont know how it feels to be trapped in your own skin

Once- I thought that it was getting better, but then that got taken out of my hands, and after that things just kept getting worse.

Twice- someone stole from my body, he will answer to God, and he will live his life knowing that he is a monster.

Three times- is a charm, but only sometimes its an alarm- that Ive repeated my actions more than once.

Four days ago- I sat in class and put down my head, and Cody asked me if I was okay. and it let me know that someone does notice when Im hurting so thank you

Five years ago- my father died, and I never felt such relief. Ive always thought I should feel bad for that but I just never have. It was because then I knew he could never lay a hand on me again.

Six- is an upside down nine trying to find a place to belong

Im just tired, and when people are tired, they sleep, so Im just sleeping. Dont hurt for me and dont dwell on me Im sorry that Im being selfish, but everyone wanting me to be alive would consider themselves selfish if they knew how much Im hurting.

I want to address specific things to people and tell them what was so special but I cant make myself do it I cant but you know who you are and what you did.

I love you Allison and Cody <3 I love you- all my immediate family <3