Ripped Away

Chapter 17

We both went through and texted ourselves the pictures we wanted. Sal only took a few. Most of them were pictures of me sleeping, or cute selfies he'd taken with me sitting unaware in the background. I found a video that I'd completely forgotten about. I'd taken his phone from him. He was hovering over me, begging me to put the phone down and kiss him. I watched the video over and over; just watching him smile and laugh so genuinely.

"You haven't kissed me in at least three minutes!" he scoffed, laughing. "And you say you love me?"

"I do!" I said, setting the phone down next to me.

I could see our shadows on the ceiling, and I could hear us. I could hear us kissing, and catching our breath, and saying 'I love you'. It didn't sting to hear him say it. It was comforting. As long as I could hear it, it would still be true.

The burial was probably the worst part of the day. I had to sit there and watch as they lowered the love of my life into the ground. Sal and I stood there until the grave was completely filled, and even after Richie's parents left. The entire time, we squeezed each other's hands so tightly that it felt like they would break.

"Oh my god." I choked, crouching down and laying one hand on the dirt.

I layed back, resting my head where the tombstone was going to go. I stared up at the blue sky and the few puffy, white clouds above me. The sky looked happy. It made me sick.

"Stop it!" I shouted into the air. "Stop fucking mocking me!"

Sal sat down next to me and ran his hands through his hair.

"Noah, can I tell you something?" he asked.

"Yeah?" I sighed.

"When you were in the hospital, they let me in to where Richie was for like five minutes. And while I was back there, I made a promise to him that I'd really like to keep."

"What did you promise?" I asked.

"I told him I wouldn't let anything happen to you." he said, pulling two cigarettes out of his pocket.

I watched him light one and stick it between his teeth. Then he lit the other and set it in the dirt.

"Please promise me you won't take the easy way out of this."

"I can't promise you anything." I said quietly.

"Are you seriously telling me that you're going to kill yourself?" he snapped.

"I'm not saying I will, but I'm not saying I won't." I said, "I haven't decided yet."

"Do you know how-"

"What? Selfish? Do I know how selfish I sound?" I laughed. "You think it's selfish of me to feel like dying would be better than living without him?"

Silence.

"I'm fucking heartbroken because he died. He doesn't get to live anymore. He's going to miss out on everything. But you know what? He was mine. I loved the hell out of him! He was my fucking future, Sal! We had plans! Now I have to try living when half of me is already dead. I feel a lot worse for him than I do for myself, but being afraid and being selfish are not the same thing. Don't you dare try to tell me that my feelings are invalid!"

Silence.

"Sal, when my dad died, my mom considered killing herself. But she had kids to raise. Who do I have to live for?"

"Me." he said. "Me and Sara. Your mom. Your little brother. What about them?"

"We needed my mom to survive. None of you need me."

"Noah-"

"You know, we aren't even friends!" I snapped, standing up and backing away. "It wouldn't even affect you if I died! No one would even tell you!"

"Noah, listen!" Sal snapped back, then waited for a minute before speaking. "I don't care if you don't want to be my friend. All I know is that my best friend loved you more than he loved himself and I made a promise that I would keep you alive."

Silence.

"He loved you so much." he said, laughing slightly. "So fucking much, man. Like, he used to text me every single day to tell me. He'd talk about how he thought love was imaginary. But then, with you, he realized it was real."

Silence.

"You know, he'd already decided he wanted to marry you. He told me that when you turned twenty he was going to take you to some sign in front of your school, and tell you he wanted to keep you forever."

I smiled at the thought of that stop sign.

"I was staring at him, and I ran into the sign." I said out loud. "We probably never would have spoken if I hadn't hit it."

Sal smiled and took a long drag off his cigarette.

"If you start seriously thinking about killing yourself, please call me. You don't have to be my friend. But I want to at least be able to tell Richie I tried."