Ripped Away

Chapter 20

I was released from the hospital at two oclock that afternoon.   I wouldn't let Richie out of my sight.  Mom tried to get me alone so we could talk.  But every time she asked me to step into the kitchen with her, I'd take Richie with me.  I wasn't willing to be without him yet.  And I knew I wouldn't be for a long time.

I refused to even take a shower by myself.  Richie didn't really fight that.  My mom did, but she eventually gave up just so I would be clean.  A week without bathing makes a person pretty gross.

I'd forgotten that we'd shut the lights out when we'd had sex before.  But showering in the dark wasn't normal.  So this would be the first time we really got to see everything.  All the places that I'd touched before, but hadn't looked at.  But seeing him, and letting him see me, felt as natural as anything else did. 

It might sound like it did, but the hour we spent in the shower wasn't sexual.  I mean, of course there were some things.  But we mostly just stood quietly with Richie's back to the water and my chest pressed against his.  I felt so safe that it made me want to cry.

Richie hadn't really said much since we'd left the hospital.  When he did speak he would just tell me that he loved me.  I tried to get him to talk, but he would just shake his head and look away.  He was so upset, and I couldn't blame him for it.   If I were in his position I'd probably feel pretty sad too. 

But I didn't really care whether he was talking or not.  The only thing that mattered was that he was alive.  He could stay silent for the rest of our lives; but I wouldn't care as long as I had him.

We sat wrapped in our towels on the floor of my bedroom for a while.  Every time I'd try to say something to him, Richie would just bury his face deeper into my neck and squeeze me a little tighter.

We managed to be dressed again by five oclock.   We were sitting in my bed, watching a movie on my laptop.   I was laying on Richie's chest, feeling his heart working.  His heart beat was like a lullaby to me; and I knew it hadn't been long since I'd felt it.  But to me it seemed like it'd been forever.  I felt his heart rate speeding up.   So it didn't surprise me when he suddenly got up and grabbed his pants off the floor.  I was nervous that he was going to leave, but he just grabbed his cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket.  He opened my bedroom window and climbed outside.  I stayed in bed until I heard him call my name.

I crawled to the end of the bed and stuck my head out the window.

"Come out here." Richie said through a mouthful of smoke.

I climbed outside and watched him take a long drag off his cigarette. 

"I can't possibly mean that much to you." He said suddenly.

His comment caught me off guard, so it took me a second to respond. 

"Richie, you mean everything to me."

I watched him shivering and trying not to cry.

"Noah, you were okay before you had me.  I need you to be okay if there comes a day when you don't."

"Well then I hope we go out together, because I already know how much losing you hurts.  I'm not going through that again."

"Please don't say that." He said quietly. "You know how often I almost die.  I don't want to fall off a cliff and have to think about the fact that you're going to kill yourself on the way down."

"Don't say that." I snapped.

He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he stayed silent. 

"What if I don't die?" He said after a minute. "What if we break up?  Are you going to be okay then?"

"You think that's going to happen?" I asked, feeling my body tense up as I forced myself to look at him.

"I don't want it to." He said, his voice shaking, "But... I don't want to make you weak."

"Richie, I love you.   If you got ripped away from me so suddenly, I don't think I could make it.  If you broke up with me, I'd be fucking heart broken.  But I think I'd be okay as long as I knew you were alive."

I tried to blink back some tears, but they rolled down my cheeks instead.  Richie took one more quick drag off his cigarette before putting it out and dropping it in the gutter.  He slid closer and kissed my cheek, brushing away some of my tears with his thumb.

"Don't cry.  I'm not leaving.  I don't think I'll ever want to leave you, Noah." He said quietly.

"Just, never pretend you want me if you don't.   Okay?"

"Same goes for you." 

"I'm always going to want you." I sighed.

"Then I guess we're never breaking up." Richie shrugged. "Because how could I ever stop wanting you?"

His hand moved down so he could run his fingers over my stomach, and I started smiling again.  I could hear the sudden heat in his voice.  I pressed my palms against my eyes to dry them and let out a shakey breath.

"God, I hate fighting with you." I sighed, and started to lean over to kiss him.

But he leaned away; making me sad at first.  But the look in his eyes told me he just wanted to go inside.  So I got up, climbed back into my bedroom, and waited for him.  But instead of grabbing me and throwing me onto the bed like I expected he would, he rushed by me.  I watched him open the drawer on my nightstand and then stop.

"Didn't I leave like three condoms here?" He asked,  sounding extremely annoyed.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Well, they're gone." He sighed, pushing the drawer shut. "Looks like your mom went through your stuff while you were out."

"Why would she take my condoms?"

"Because she wants you to be six years old forever." He said, sitting down on my bed again.

I sat down next to him and thought for a second.

"Did you get tested after you slept with your friend's brother?"

"Well yeah." He said, obviously feeling awkward.

"And you were clean?"

"Yeah."

"And I've only ever slept with you.  So we don't actually need condoms."

He didn't say another word to me.  He just pushed me back and jumped on top of me.   It was like a sort of passionate joke to us.  We laughed and smiled the entire time, but there was still so much love between us.  Luckily, we were finished, dressed, and half asleep again by the time my mom opened the door.