carnations. chensung

n i n e

chenle woke up in his bed. how he had gotten there was something he didn't know. he looked around the room to find his mother sitting in his desk chair, her makeup streaming down her face, her eyes red and puffy from crying.
'mum?' chenle croaked, his voice hoarse from the operation and from crying.

'chenle!' she whispered as she ran over to embrace her son. when she had received a call to say that her son had been in the hospital and then collapsed on the streets, she could only think the worst. when she had found out that her sons best friend and the boy he used to love had both died, she knew that she couldn't ever imagine how her only son felt that day.

she hugged him close as chenle just sobbed into her shoulder. chenle never knew that someone could cry so much in a day. his mother rubbed soothing circles on his back in an attempt to console her fragile son.

'where's jisung and renjun?' chenle whispered, his only concern being the two boys.
'i'm sorry chenle, i don't know.' she said as soothingly as she could.
chenle just looked at her blankly before she pulled him into a tight hug.

chenle couldn't feel anything at that moment and he didn't want to. he just felt empty. his whole world felt like it had ended today. so much had happened and chenle didn't know what to do.

he was just empty inside.

he broke away from his mothers hug and asked her to leave. she didn't want to leave him and she wanted to make sure he was okay but if her leaving him alone meant it would somewhat reduce the pain he felt then she would do anything to do that.

when his mother had left the room, chenle lay down and looked at the ceiling. the note from jisung was sitting on his bedside table so, without looking away from the ceiling, he reached over and grabbed the white envelope.

his name was written neatly on the front and a small "x" was after it. chenle opened the letter carefully, making sure not to rip the envelope even in the slightest. this was the last thing jisung would have done and chenle wanted to cherish it.
he pulled the letter out cautiously and read what it had to say.

"dear chenle,
i realised too late and you operated too early. i'm beyond happy that you get to live but i'm sorry that i couldn't realise what was happening earlier. i hope that you will live a long and happy life where you find someone who will love you forever in the way you loved me. i love you, goodbye."

those words broke chenle's heart to the point he knew that it would never be healed. jisung really did love him but chenle had gotten the operation to erase what would have been the reciprocated feelings to cure jisung. in a way chenle blamed renjun for it but then he knew deep down that renjun only wanted the best for chenle and he knew exactly how he felt when he said he didn't want to loose his best friend. chenle overall blamed himself for their deaths. he knew it was his fault and that nobody could ever replace them or heal how heartbroken chenle felt.

chenle clutched the letter tight to his chest and closed his eyes.

i'm so sorry renjun and jisung. i will love you both forever.