The Retirement Plan

Untitled Part 1

Most people don't see me. They look at me and see Earl Pickles from that comic strip; a seventy something, slightly dotty, older man with fringy white hair and a comfortable pear shape.

I am ok with that. In fact, in my line of work, it is my biggest asset and I work very hard to maintain it. There were very few times when I broke character. But, as the old saying goes, it only takes one.

The press has made a big deal about the fact that I was arrested by a young off-duty cop who happened to be at the right place at the right time and had the smarts to recognize a heist was happening. I don't want to take anything away from Robert. He is a very smart cop. But the truth is, he didn't ruin my plan, he WAS my plan. That is why I arranged for him to be at that party.

I should probably explain. Even though my entire career has been a big chess game against law enforcement, I am a staunch supporter of law and order. I like to recognize and support honest officials. Conversely, I have made it something of a personal crusade to expose the rotten elements in our society.

Robert is one of the good ones. Our esteemed District Attorney, whose home we were both at for his annual Christmas party, is not. The package that Robert caught me with, when opened, will be proven to be an obscure, but valuable painting from the Gardner Museum heist in the 90s. It is not the first piece of stolen art that the DA has bought.

You probably think it is hypocritical of me, a thief, to be condemning someone for buying stolen goods. The difference is I admit to being a thief; that sanctimonious prick is the true hypocrite. Even then, he might have stayed lower on my hit list except he was using this party to announce his plan to run for governor.

Why am I telling you this? It is true that this will finish my career as a master thief; but my true passion to clean up the public sector, will continue. I have chosen a young attorney in the prosecutor's office as my next protégée. His career will be guaranteed by my memoirs, which list every rotten politician and crooked businessman I have had dealings with in the last thirty years. He will be under a lot of pressure to cover some of this up and so, to keep him honest (and I have no reason to think he wouldn't be), I am sharing this with you.

But don't worry about me. I told you I had a plan. I am not going into a secret witness protection program in exchange for my testimony and I am not interested in retiring to a remote tropical island. Instead, my deal with the prosecutor will let me retire in a federal country-club prison where I will get steady meals, terrific medical care, and will be able to socialize with my contemporaries. After spending thirty years in the shadows, I think I have earned it.