Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

The Tooth Fairy

God damn it! Anyway, when I was growing up, parents showed their love by buying stuff for their kids. The latest video games, the newest smartphones, the coolest cars, all to one-up the neighbors. Of course, mine didn't. They said Jesus didn't approve of material wealth. They said that going without would "build character."

You have to admit: It worked! You became quite a character!

Are you trying to be funny, Rubicon? Because you are so not.

Sorry. But I still don't see the harm.

Because, the parents at Just For Kids are super-competitive. And once they heard that Kevin was doing the Tooth Fairy thing, they had to one-up the ante.

How do they do that?

OK, so Kevin mentions the Tooth Fairy thing to the Walshes, another couple from Just For Kids with a zombie kid. And the Walshes were all, "Oh, yeah? Well... we signed Zack up for soccer!" Then, not to be outdone, the Changs signed their daughter up for — what else? — violin lessons. After which, the Solomons signed up their son for horse riding lessons — which was a real horror show — but not compared to the Cardos's twins. They took them skiing, which wasn't the best idea because it was so cold their kids shattered.

Wow.

I gets worse. Because then Rod and Tish brought it to a whole other level.

How so?

They actually started to dress up like zombies. They shuffled around. They only said "Rrrrr!" around Sebastian. They wore the same outfit every day, no matter how foul it smelled.

Did Sebastian appreciate their parents' efforts?

Sebastian was an ungrateful little shit when he was human; he certainly didn't get more grateful when he became a zombie. But like I said, it had nothing to do with Sebastian. It was about the other parents. Rod and Tish were showing the them that they loved their son so much that they were willing to live as a zombie!

What did the other parents do?

They had no choice. They had to pretend to be zombies, too, or they'd look like total jerks. And then things got weird.

It wasn't weird before?

I told you, parents are very competitive. Soon it wasn't enough to just go around pretending to be a zombie. Some parents got professional makeup artists to give them waxy gray skin and red eyes. Others took movement classes so they moved like real zombies. Others hired an acting coach to teach zombie mannerisms and the right way to Rrrrr!

Wow.

And just when it looked like all this went as far as it could go,then Rod and Tish took one more step.

Which was?

The ultimate proof that they were the loving-est parents in the history of parent-dom. They let Sebastian bite them.

What?!

They said that they wanted to be a real family again and this was the only way to unite them.

That makes no sense.

Well, that's what they said in their video.

Of course they had a video.

They did it on Sebastian's birthday. Rod and Tish's present to their darling son. They sang happy birthday — terribly — and then they let themselves get bit. It was kind of touching and kind of horrifying. Like a snuff film on the Hallmark Channel.

What was the reaction of the other parents?

They were pretty mad.

Why?

Because now they had no choice but to let their zombie kids bite them, too.

Or... they could not do that.

You think it's that easy? Look, none of us know what we're doing. But some of us think they know what they're doing, so we do what they do. If their kid sleeps on his back, we make our kid sleep on his back. And then, six months later, when they decide that their kid should sleep on his front, we flip our kid over and make him sleep on his front. And when they get it in their heads that their kid should sleep upside down hanging by his toes like a bat, we'll do that, too. Because we know we don't know and they think they do.

Are you saying that other parents also let their kids bite them?

In hindsight, it's not that surprising. Really, once we became OK with zombie playdates, it was just a matter of time before we all went Zombie Jonestown.

But you're not going to do that.

Not yet. We're waiting.

Waiting for what?

Angel's permanent teeth to come in.