I'm Looking Through You // Mclennon

loss

"It's a lil' embarrassing, but... they're mostly abou' John."

"About John? Is that all?" She asked, "So, what's the problem with that?"

"He... Uh..." I began to say, "Nothin', I guess."

I stood up off of the bed and headed towards the door, followed closely behind by the nagging words spilling from Linda's mouth. She never genuinely gets on my nerves, but right now, in this moment, it felt much different.

"Paul! Come on, now! Don't go and shut me out! ...I wanna be here for you. Please."

I whipped around quickly, burying all of my frustrations, and planted a kiss upon her soft lips. "I'll be fine, love. It's jus... everythin's got me a little caught off-guard. The stress from the upcoming tour, and all... It's probably gettin' to me."

And with that, I walked outside and sat on the front porch of our little house.
Where I live now is extremely different than Liverpool, which is where I grew up. Out here, we're surrounded by cute little farm animals and wide, open fields. Not many neighbors surround us at all. We're pretty far away from anyone else and... it's very peaceful. Meanwhile, living in Liverpool was like living in a zoo of people! Quite the polar opposite.

It's gonna be very difficult for me to leave this place once the American tour starts up next week. Going back to the screaming crowds and cheering people. I love performing, don't get me wrong, but when I look to my side and I don't see John standing next to me anymore... It still hurts! Six fucking years later and it still hurts! It's like a half of me was taken away and now I'm just bloody hopeless.

Doubt the bloke thinks of me at all, though, unless he's plotting my murder. The last time we saw eachother, we weren't on the best of terms. It was easier to keep our relationship a secret when we were so small, but when we really became The Beatles... it really put a damper on everything. Then when John got with Yoko, it eventually lead us to...

I stroked my fingers tirelessly through my hair as all of the dreaded emotions began to cascade into my mind once again.

"What to do..." I whispered to myself.

I reached into the inner-pocket of my jacket and pulled out a box of cigarettes, laying one inbetween my lips and lighting the tip of the paper. As I puffed in the smoke, some of it escaped my mouth and became thinner as it lingered around.

No, he wants nothing to do with ol' Macca, anymore. He hates me. I know he hates me.

After a few hours of spending quality time with my family and finishing up some errands, night fell upon us yet again.

I stared out at the window from my bed as I felt the shuffling of movement next to me. Linda was looking over my shoulder in solemn.

"Paul." She crooned.

"Yeah? Somethin' wrong?"

"I don't know, is there?! ...My God, Paul, if it's bothering you so badly that you can't even sleep, ...maybe you should..." Linda trailed off.

"I should what, Linda? Enlighten me, please!" I asked half jokingly, half curiously.

"Once we get to America next week... Maybe you could go and visit him in New York?" She suggested nervously. "Just for a little while?"

As the words fell off of her tongue, my heart began to race at a million beats a minute. "Linda, ye know what John would do if I jus... showed up, unannounced? Who knows? I might become the main influence on his comeback album!"

Linda laughed a bit at my last remark. She then shrugged her shoulders, "I mean, what's the worst that could happen, Paul? It's better than you losin' sleep everynight!"

I thought for a bit and my eyes wandered around the room as I meandered my brain for a response.

"Goodnight, Paul." Linda turned to her bedside lamp and pulled the cord to turn it off.

After what seemed like hours, my eye lids slowly enclosed in on themselves and I fell into a deep slumber.

...

"Love will hurt ye, Paul, but love will never mean to." John whispered into my ear, causing goosebumps to prickle across my skin. "Remember that, alright? I mean, do ye really think that I'd intentionally try to hurt ye?"

I wanted to reply, I really did, but I couldn't think of anything to respond with. I felt like my mouth had been sewn completely shut or something.

"Well, if ye've got nothin' to say now, maybe think on it. And when ye've got an idea, come and see me. Don't ye think we've got some things to mull over? How many years has it been since I've seen ye, again?"

In that moment, my eyelids shot wide-open and I was back to staring at the ceiling. There goes the dream again! What does it mean? What is he talking about?! That same line echoes across my mind everytime I fall asleep, but Christ, I can never think of the right answer!

I quickly hopped out of the bed and shuffled into my bedside drawer, yanking out a pen and a piece of torn notebook paper. My adrenaline was through the roof and my lack of sleep certainly did not help. I tapped the pen against my chin in wonder.

"So,
I'm off to New York. An old friend and I have a lot of unsettled business and it's been eating me alive.
I've tried my hardest to keep myself together, I really have, but I just—
I don't know what else to do! All I know is that this is my only choice, now.
I'll see you guys when you get to America. I'll ring you sometime, okay? I just can't wait another week. I love you all." I signed the note sloppily and left it on the kitchen table.

Well, either this will blow up in my face or... the latter.

And with that... I was on my journey to see an... Old Friend.
John.