music box | kim namjoon

chapter 4

To say that coming to that realization was the kiss of death was an understatement. There was nothing heavier than the weight of an unrequited love.

Mina thought about it on her morning train ride. She thought about it as she felt the rattle of the train walls, and the lack of chatter on the early morning commute, and the hollow feeling in her chest.

And she dreaded the fact she had to go to class, and sit next to him, and make forced small talk like there was even a possible chance they could distance themselves and not miss each other. But she had long had to face the fact that life was unfair, and it left her no choice. Besides, she was a very good liar, and even if she had sworn to herself she would stop, some things left her no choice.

She was very honest in her appearance, though. And she was not surprised when she walked in to see Namjoon well kept and together, wearing a nice shirt Minji had probably bought him, with his hair swept to the side and his posture strong. She could have turned around just then, because the contrast between the two was most definently a reflection of their mental state. Her sweatshirt swallowed her, and she was pretty sure only one leg of her jeans was rolled, and there was a slight possibility the shirt she wore underneath was on backwards, and that's why it tugged at her neck.

He glanced at her when she sat down beside him, and she already felt like she should leave when from her peripheral, she saw the mixture of regret and concern on his face.

But it did not matter if he wanted to mutter more 'I'm sorry's or try to take her hand again and promise he would never, fully leave her.

Mina could only be unfair to herself for too long, and now it was unfair for her to expect more than just a friend from him, even if that was severely limited.

And despite the fact they looked like opposites, it was him who was twitching all class, tapping his pens, bouncing his leg, unable to sit still. Mina was like a rock, and she did not say anything, save the "Hey." when she sat down, and she did not feel like there was anything to say.

It wasn't harsh of her, either, and he acknowledged that. And he didn't mean to discredit her distress, but things were not easy for him either. Suddenly he was losing his best friend, because it was not the person that he was marrying, and suddenly he was starting to see what a life without Mina looked like and it terrified him.

But it was the obligation he had made to Minji when he did what he was supposed to, and asked her to marry him. Minji was so kind, and she was warm and safe, and maybe that's what drew him in. When Namjoon thought about a future with her, he could see it, he truly could.

Mina knew it better than him, that you can look in the eyes of any stranger and see the reflection of an opportunity, a future. It was there, and because it was always there, it was not always good, or desirable, or something you should seal in fate. But then, it was not her life.

And maybe she had spent the weekend coming to terms with what was her life, and what that meant, and where she should go now. Because she imagined herself many places, but she imagined herself nowhere without him. She had to adjust that.

She handed him the notes she had copied for him the other day, and he looked more sincere than before.

"Thank you." He said. She wasn't sure if it was intentional, and if so it was cruel, but his dimpled smile made her uneasy and she could only hold his eyes for so long.

And everything was worse. Because now she knew it, and she could no longer ignore it, that she was in love with him, and existing by his side was painful when he was in love with someone else. And that stupid smile ripped her apart, and the way his fingers felt when he took the papers from her, and the hollow, weak silence that followed. But what was she supposed to say? She always knew what to say to him.