Tobias stands in front of the dresser and pulls off his black t-shirt. my stomach drops as if i had just been punched. my head tilts to the side and i examine every muscle, every curve. black ink dominates his strong back and i smile. as i admire his body he turns to me, draws his eye brows together, and smiles. his teeth are white as paper. “Watching me undress, Tris?” i should be embarrassed but for some reason i’m not. i just yawn and nod at him, and he pulls on a fresh shirt, also black. he walks over to me and sits on the corner of the bed. i love being in his apartment with him. it smells just like a hug from tobias, which is strong, yet gentle. manly but soft. warm. he reaches his hand over to my face and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. i can feel myself blushing. before i can say anything, he leans down to me and connects his lips with mine, and i feel adrenaline coursing through my body and i kiss him back. i pull away for a quick moment, teasing him, and i lightly bite his lower lip, light as air. he loves it when i do that. its a trick i learned weeks ago. our mouths perfectly fit together and i slide my palm under his shirt, feeling his tight core and his abs. he’s so perfect, and even better than that, he’s mine. we pause for a moment and our eyes catch eachothers glance, and i smile at him and close my eyes. “I’ll see you later okay?” his voice is deep and sexy and i dont want him to leave, but i know he has to go. he kisses my forehead and before i know it, he’s gone.
***
Tonight we are going to the Dauntless ball, it only happens once a year, and this year i’m going with Tobias. Christina and I went to get dresses earlier this week, and i picked out a somewhat tight black dress that stopped mid thigh, and showed a little cleavage. i hadn’t ever really worn something this...sexy? but i wanted to impress Tobias, and for once i feel desirable and free. i also picked out a pair of black heels which weren’t too easy to walk in, but i could manage. After i got dressed, i admired my outfit in the mirror, and i was expecting to be scolded, but i wasn’t. i thought of my mother. lost in thought, i didnt realize Tobias had snuck up behind me and wrapped his strong arms around my torso, nuzzeling his head into my neck, and kissing me softly. i can feel a shiver go down my spine, followed by warmth. “You look beautiful.” he says in between neck kisses. i smile and wiggle out of his grasp, so i can get a good look at him. i turn twords him and he’s wearing some sort of tux. it makes me laugh. “And don’t you look handsome.” He just smiles down at me, and i look right into his deep brown eyes, and i reach up to his head and pull my fingers through his hair. in this moment i felt loved.
at the party we danced and his hands always fit around my waist in a way where i would feel butterflies in my stomach. Christina and Will were there and everybody had a good time. The Dauntless sure knew how to party. The pit was lit up and there was music and laughing and of course, alcohol. which Christina had a bit too much of. when people started to get tired, and everybody was starting to go home, i decided to take the long way back to Tobias’s apartment, to get some air. Tobias had to go lock up the control rooms, and Will helped Christina get back to her place. my heels made the most mesmerising sound on the compound floor, and even though it was dark and quiet, i felt safe. i was excited to get back with Tobias. when i turned a corner, and then another, i see Eric, of all people, fumbling outside a door with a silver key. so this is where Eric lives. i’d never been in this part of the compound before. i try to sneak past him, but he notices me. “Hey...Stiff!” he grabs my arm before i can get away. “I need to get back. leave me alone.” theres fear in my voice. what does he want? he leans closer to my face and whispers “You look sexy.” at this moment i close my eyes and sigh, realizing that hes drunk and totally out of it. i try to pull his arm off me. “Eric let go. your drunk, just leave me alone.” his grip remains strong on my arm, and his fingernails dig into my skin. he isnt letting go. he starts to laugh, and the smell of whisky fills the area between our faces, which isn’t much space at all now. “What do you want?” i asked sternly. I was starting to get worried. was he going to hurt me? with his free hand he pulls open one side of his tux, to reveal a shiny gun. my stomach drops. is he going to kill me?? why did he bring a gun to the party? my eyes widen and he slides the gun out of his pants and presses the barrel on my side, still firmly holding my arm. i can’t say anything. “Get inside.” at that, he starts to pull me into his room and all i can do is hope for Tobias. he shuts and locks the door once we’re inside his room. its a lot smaller than Tobias’s room. my heartbeat speeds up, and i start to think the worst thoughts. nobody knows where i am right now. he could just kill me. right now. he removes his rough hand from my arm, leaving marks from his nails, and wraps his arm around my waist, drawing me so close to his face that the tips of our noses are touching. i can feel the gun pressing onto my side and theres no way i could get out of his firm hold. even if i tried. i choose to stay still. i had to say something. anything. “wh- what d..do you want?” the words spill out of my mouth, shaking. “You’re going to do what i say stiff.” his voice is as deep as Tobias’s and i get a chill up my spine. He brings his face to mine and kisses me, his lips are big and soft and his kiss is stern. my reflexes come in and i try to pull my face away, not kissing back. “Stop!” i scream and i try to pull away from him but he presses me to a wall, and digs the gun into my skin, harder this time. his hold on me is so tight i feel like i might run out of air. one of his arms is wrapped around my body, holding me centimeters away from his face, and his other has the gun, pressed onto me. he looks me in the eyes, and i can tell he’s angry. my eyes are filled with tears and he’s blurry, but i dont allow the tears to leave my eyes. “DON’T. do that. again. or you’ll be sorry.” where he’s pushing the gun onto me, i can feel it bruising. it hurts so bad and i know if i try anyting he will push it in more, or shoot it for that matter. my ribs ache from such a tight hold. i cant do anything. he grunts and pushes his lips onto mine again, more insistent this time. i still dont kiss back, but i dont pull away. he pushes the gun harder and i whince in pain, giving in. i start to kiss him back. i feel sick. so many things are going on in my brain and all i can do his kiss eric. his kiss is sloppy and needy, and a tear escapes from my eyes, until i cant help but letting my tears fall down my cheeks. he shifts and puts the gun in the hand thats wrapped around my waist and presses it to the center of my back, making my back arch so i am forced to get closer. with his now free hand he starts feeling up my thigh, pulling my dress up. our faces are pressed together and his tounge finds his way into my mouth. i can feel eric against me and he’s so powerful. possibly more strong than tobias. in my head i was panicking and all i could think about was getting away and throwing myself into Tobias’s arms. Tobias. oh god he must be so worried. he’s probably looking for me. i had to get out. at this moment i decide to do whatever it takes to get out of this. to find tobias. i try my best not to shake as i lift my hand up to Erics broud shoulders and i wrap my arm around his neck, pressing him closer. which i didn’t even know was possible. his free hand procedes up my dress and his hand skims my underwear. i had to do something now. with my hand wrapped around his neck, i reach my fingers up and start to lightly grab his short hair, like i do to Tobias. then i take my free arm and start to touch his body. i close my eyes tight and try as hard as i can to pretend its Tobias. Eric lets out a quiet grunt and kisses me harder. i had to show him that i like it. maybe if i pretend to like it, and i play along, he will loosen his hold on me, and let down his gaurd enough so i can push him away, hopefully dropping the gun in the process. i mean, he’s drunk. how good can his reflexes be right now? i tug his lip for a moment, the same as i do with Tobias, and it drives him crazy. he kisses me harder, and i feel like i’m going to throw up. i could feel the gun press looser to my body than before, but not enough to get away. i had to go further. i drag my hand from his abs down to his belt, and i could feel him through his pants. i rub my hand up and down the front of his pants, and try to retain from wimpering. i didnt want this. Eric lets out another grunt, almost as if he’s in pain, but i know what it means. i hear him mutter out a “what..?” in between kissing and i move to his neck, kissing his tatoos, and i get to his ear. i swallow hard and try to talk in my most sexiest voice, but softly. “Eric i want you. i never wanted Tobias. i just want you.” the words taste disgusting in my mouth but they were very believable. i feel the gun loosen more on my back and his mouth goes for my neck, and he mutters my name. what he was doing to my neck sent a weird sensation through my body. did i….was i...liking it? NO. i had to finish this. i dont like it..do i? i push the thought completly out of my head and he goes for my lips again. his hand slips out of my dress and he starts to touch my chest. i close my eyes hard. i had to get out. i stop kissing him, and i put my lips near his ear again, and i whisper to him. “can we go to the bed?” those words make me want to vomit for sure, and he pulled back for a moment, eying me down. he didnt trust me. one of his eye brows were slightly raised and i tried to look believable. i let my lower lip stick out, as if i was begging him, and i looked down at the arm thats holding the gun. i look back into his eyes. “you dont need that anymore. i realize what i want now..please..” i whisper in his ear his name and i hear the gun drop to the floor. i was relived, but i couldnt run yet. not yet. he held me harder and looked me straight in the face. “you better not be fucking with me stiff.” looking him in the eyes, i grab his penis through his pants and he shuts his eyes tight and clenches his teeth, letting out a deep noise from inside his throat. i got him now. he picks me up and takes me over to the bed, and almost tosses me onto it. then he got on top of me and started to kiss my lips, then he went down to my chest, kissing where my cleavage was. it was almost time to act. Eric then starts to take off his clothes until hes not wearing anything from the belt up. he was massive. his muscles were strong and tight and he was sweaty. now. i pull my knee up and it slams into his crotch, releasing a loud groan from eric. he was halfway off of me know, grabbing at his crotch, and i punched him straight in the nose. “BITCH!” he yelled, blood flowing out of his face. i kicked his heavy leg off of me and ran for the door. i unlocked the bolt and swung open the door, as Eric was trying to grab me. but i was fast, and he knew it. i ran so fast down the hallway i could hear air rushing past me as i flew past doors and windows, i could hear eric shouting from back down the hallway. finally i see the north hall. i can see Tobias’s door. its unlocked, and i let myself in, panting. Tobias is in the middle of pulling on a jacket, probably to go out and look for me outside the compound. he turns and his eyes widen. “Tris! oh my god.” he runs over to me and collects me in his arms. i grab onto his shirt as tight as i can, and i cry on his shoulder. his scent fills me and calms me and i know im home. i had never been so happy to see someone. he pulls away for a moment and looks at me. “What happened to you??” his eyes are filled with worry. my hair is messy and my dress is torn, erics blood is on my chest, and im not wearing any shoes. my lips are wet and puffy aswell. Tobias cups my face into his hands and looks me in the eyes. “Who did this to you? i will kill them.” all i can do is cry and hope that Tobias never lets go of me. i look into his eyes and realize he has tears in his eyes. i feel awful. he pulls a strand of hair away from my face and kisses me, but then pulls away. he pulls his brows together and licks his lips. “Have you been drinking. Tris? your lips taste like booze.” images of eric climb into my brain and i push Tobias aside and run to the bathroom. i turn on the sink and lower my face to the water, scrubbing my lips with water and crying into the porcelain sink. Tobias is right beside me as i raise my head, looking at myself in the mirror. i look awful. Tobias looks at me and touches my upper chest. “whats that blood from? i dont see a wound.” i swat his hand away and wipe tears from my eyes. “It’s..it’s not mine.” my voice is hoarse and my throat feels raw. “Who’s is it??” tobias’s eyes are filled with worry. i mumble his name under my breath. “what?” tobias raises my chin with his fingertips so i’m forced to look at him. “talk to me tris. please.” i pull my head out of his grasp and look away from him. i hear him let out a slight gasp as he touches the side of my neck. “Tobias what are you-” “Theres a hickey on your neck Tris.” i look up at him in disbelief and look in the mirror. there it was. Erics doing. i look back at tobias and his face makes my stomach drop. “Tris..did..did someone do something to you?” he choked on his words as they came out of his trembeling lips and i know exactly what he means. “i wasn’t raped.” it comes out like a whisper but he hears me and pulls me in his arms. “thank god.” i cant help but to cry again. i hate tobias seeing me like this but theres nothing i can do.
***
we lay in Tobias’s bed and i whimper silently as he holds me. i know he wants answers, but he knows that im not ready. after a while of lying still, i close my eyes and let the words flow out of my mouth. “Eric had a gun to my back.” Tobias snaps his head up and turns to me. “What do you mean?” i reach for his hand and he cradles me. “tell me what happened tris. please.” “i..i was walking back here after the party and Eric grabbed me.” Tobias lay still, staring at me, waiting for more. “and..he wouldn’t let me go. he was drunk..and he had a gun.” Tobias squeezes my hand tighter as a reassurance to continue. “He put the gun to me and made me...made me kiss him. and..he touched me.” by now i was choking on the words and i felt sick to my stomach. “And-” “Stop.” he says it gentle, but firm. he leans over and kisses me on my forehead and whispers “It will be okay.” He stands up and grabs his jacket from the hook on the door. i sit up and run my hands trough my hair. “where are you going? its almost eleven o’clock tobias.” he turns to me one last time before leaving and says: “Stay here. I love you.”
***
i anxiously wait for Tobias’s return and finally, around 12 am, he comes in the door, and walks into the bathroom. l get out of bed, tired and aching, and stand in the doorway to the bathroom. Tobias stands at the sink and washes blood off of his knuckles. there was dried blood under his nose and his lip was cut. I didnt have to ask him what he’d done, because i knew.
