Never Shall I Ever.

The past.

So maybe I should catch you up on the past. My name is Alice. I'm currently 15 years old, going into my 10th grade year. In this past year, this is basically what happened.

When I was a young child, I used to be so mean. If I could take a trip back in time and smack myself, I would. I rememeber making fun of the 'emo' kids at the mall. Now, I'm one of those kids. I hate who i've been.

My father passed away back in 8th grade and I must admit, it was absolutely devistating. I never felt so alone, abandoned, and, well, betrayed. It's like God had betrayed my trust. That's when I lost all faith. I no longer believe in this god of yours. I don't understand it.

I went into freshman year with two best friends, Sarah and depression. Along the way, I also picked up a friend called anorexia. Sarah picked up a bestie called suicide. Over the year we made actual friends too though. Which led to Sarah dating one of them, but she cheated on her, twice. They ended up fighting and now hate each other. They talk trash to each other all the time and complain to me about it., but what am I to do? Sarah ended up trying to escape with her buddie suicide. It didn't work. She got caught by me, I had to tell her parents. She got sent away for a while, and while she was gone, I did all her school work secretly so she wouldn't have to fail. I was so excited for her to come back. She'd be the same old Sarah, my Sarah. I tried so hard to get out of my depression while she was gone so it'd be both of us, happy. After all, it was just Sarah and I against the world. I had no one else that I loved as much as her. Then one day, she came back. It was amazing. Except, something was different, she was different. She was acting more bossy than normal. I didn't care though. I still loved her to death. One day, I was with one of my other friends, and I read a text over her shoulder. I saw my name on it. I started reading it, and nearly cried. There were a lot of harsh words that really got to me. I asked who it was from, sure enough, Sarah. My world broke. I had never felt more alone. I just wanted to cry. I still carry that pain. You'd think I'd be over it by now, but she never apologized. I even talked to her about it but she brushed it off like it didn't matter. Like I didn't matter. I didn't think I'd ever trust again.

Then, I became closer with an old friend of mine, Zoey. She was so much fun. I never thought she'd like me though. Sooner or later, we became almost as close as Sarah and I. We would have been that close if I had let myself trust, but of course, that wasn't the case. All of my friends pushed Zoey out of their lives, and that didn't seem fair at all. So, I confronted them about it. They told me all sorts of reasons. Mainly just because she was a bad friend to all of them. Then, I heard the part that involved me. They all cared about me a lot, and she had talked bad about me too much to them. I complain to much apperently. They didn't like how she always said mean things about me, then acted so nice to my face. I heard this and I just couldn't take it. Why does this happen to me? I always thought I wasn't that bad. People use me as a doormat. I'm too nice to say something about it. Either way, my trust had completely shrivled up and its about the size of a penny.

That penny, however, now belongs to Erica. Erica is a short fun girl and I met her just this year. She moved here from out of state. I love her to pieces, but I don't trust her fully. I don't trust anyone fully. It's nothing against her I swear! I just don't know how to trust anymore. My walls got put up and they are now surrounded with fire breathing dragons. Every now and then, you can find a crack in the wall when the dragon's sleeping though. Only every now and then. 

So that's my past to present. Honestly, I don't think the past matters that much. Whoever you are now isn't who you were a year ago. So don't make the past matter if it doesn't need to.