Been Here All Along

16| feelings

My anxiety attacks have started happening a lot less in the past year, but in the first year of Ian being gone, it seemed like everything could set me off.

I guess mine and Ian's birthdays approaching was still a trigger point for me.

I was currently sitting in the newly built lounge before the opening of the park with a death grip on the chair I was sitting on. This chair was practically the only sense of reality I had right now; if I were to let go, I was scared I would lose it altogether.

"Josie?" Joel's familiar voice came. It sounded like he was far away, but his hand on my shoulder told me otherwise. I couldn't bring myself to look because my eyes were squeezed tightly shut to hold in the waterworks. "Josie, what's wrong?"

Today's my 20th birthday, but not many people know. I keep it very low key because with my birthday only a couple days before Ian's, and the fact Ian and I spent every one of our birthday's together for 6 years straight, it reminds me so much of him and it's hard.

I didn't even celebrate my birthday last year, and no one even knows that today's my birthday.

When I finally felt strong enough and in touch with reality, I opened my eyes to find Joel kneeled in front of me with the most concerned look.

"Ian's birthday is on Thursday. It's just..." I sucked in a deep, shaky breath, "it's just a hard time, I guess."

Joel wasn't entirely sure of what exactly he could say to make me feel better, so instead, he wrapped his arms around my sitting figure the best he could and squeezed me tight.

After only a few weeks of Joel working here at Westchester, I was quick to learn I had him completely wrong. I think that's why he was so amused by my distaste for him in the beginning, because he knew that it was just a bad first impression.

Joel has proved himself time and time again to me, my friends, and my other co-workers, that he is indeed a good guy. There's a lot more to him than a tight end football player. In fact, he reminds me a lot of Ian. Though on the outside they are entirely different, their morals and beliefs are what make them similar.

I told Joel about Ian roughly two months ago. He'd come over to mine and Kaila's apartment for a gathering for all of our friends, but he arrived early to help me get everything ready since Kaila had schoolwork to do. He had seen a picture of Ian and I and asked if that was my boyfriend.

Imagine that trigger he pulled.
A year and a half is still too soon, apparently.

Anyway, I told him about my relationship with Ian and how close we were, then about his departure. I think Joel and I developed a whole new level of respect for one another after that conversation.

In some way, Joel's tight, bear-hug seemed to have put together some of the broken pieces of my heart. Maybe not all, but my heart was mended in some way, I could feel it.

~•~

*1 year ago*
*January*

"It's your 21st birthday, Josie, let me take you out," Joel insisted for the third time in a row. "You're 21st is on a Saturday night for a reason. Live it up!"

"Go live it up for me."

I made the silly mistake of telling Joel my birthday, and my age, and now he will not leave me alone. For the past two weeks, he's been asking me what I'm going to do for my 21st birthday.

In my defense, I've not enjoyed celebrating my birthday for 3 years now, and, not to be a Debbie Downer, but I'd rather just sit in my bed and thinking about how in 3 days, Ian would likely be spending his 21st on the battlefield.