In my Blood

CHAPTER 35 - Seagulls

"Or he heard me and doesn't feel the same," I mutter. Brenda raises her eyebrows. 

"Are you kidding me? That boy is head over heels  for you," she urges. 

I laugh at her, shaking my head. "If you think it's so easy, then why don't you go tell Thomas how you feel about him?" 

She looks out of the window, her eyes cold. "That's different. He has Teresa." 

"Teresa's not even here," I argue softly. "And she betrayed us. Remember? For Thomas to still have feelings for her, that would be almost impossible."

"I know," she mutters. She dazes off for a second, before forcing a smile back to me. "I guess I just don't understand why you haven't told him yet. We've been safe here for six months. You've had plenty of opportunities."

I scoff. "Oh, like when we were setting up the warehouses with survival supplies? Or when we were emotionally counselling the poor people who've lost their family, friends? Maybe when we were coming up with the rescue plan to save Minho? Please tell me when I was supposed to tell Newt that I..." I groan.

"You can't even say it and he's not even here!"

"I just..." I begin, taking a deep breath. "It would be selfish. Minho is our priority. People have lost loved ones. Imagine Newt and I, flaunting our feelings like that... it wouldn't be right. It would distract us from what we need to do."

She sighs, shaking her head in disbelief. "Okay, whatever you say... no other reason?"

I look to the floor. "I'm scared. I've loved people in the past, and I've lost them."

She looks at me with sympathy. "Haven't we all? Besides, you've not lost everyone you love... I'm still here, right?"

I smile up at her. Brenda playfully shoves my arm gently. "I'm going to go find Jorge. You should talk to Newt."

She strides away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I glance briefly out of the window, to where Newt and Fry are still by the beach, and take a breath before walking to the door. I slowly make my way down to the shoreline, watching as the white waves crash furiously against each other. Fry is attempting to skim stones against the water, failing miserably every time when a wave swallows the stone. 

"Ah, man," I hear him sigh. "Any other day and I'd do it, I'm telling you."

"I believe you," Newt chuckles. 

I wander over to where they stand. "Hey," I call out as I approach them. I jokingly flip my hair with my hand, grinning. "What do you think?" 

"It looks amazing!" Newt compliments, with surprise laced into his voice. I put my hands on my hips sassily.

"Did you expect any different?" I ask with my eyebrows raised. He stammers, becoming flustered and apologetic, before I laugh and shake my head. "I'm kidding. Not gonna lie, I was worried about Brenda cutting my hair as well." 

The boys snicker, Frypan continuing to skim the stones into the water. I squint out to the horizon, where I see birds bobbing on the surface of the water in the distance, where the sea is much calmer. 

"Seagulls," I say aloud. The boys look to me. "I remember seagulls where I used to live. It came back to me a few days ago." 

"Oh, yeah?" Newt asks. "Did you live by the sea?"

"I think so," I mutter thoughtfully. "I just remember waking up and hearing seagulls. The annoying screeching noises." 

They laugh, looking out to the gulls on the water. 

"Have you had any more Teresa memories?" Frypan asks. I shake my head no. 

"I'm getting more memories every day, but not of Teresa," I answer. "Just simple things. Like the seagulls." 

We stay in silence, in our thoughts, for a few minutes. Just listening to the roaring of the waves and the mumble of distant chatter in the warehouses makes me feel a sense of blurry nostalgia that I can't quite put my finger on. I look across to the ship, where I see people working away with hammers and other tools. 

"It's impressive, isn't it?" I ask. 

"It sure is," Fry whispers. "How they got it fixed up so fast I'll never know." 

"Everyone just wants to get off this bloody beach," Newt murmurs. "It's driving me insane."

"I like it here," I say simply, though I know what he means. He likes the beach; he just doesn't like being at the beach without Minho. None of us do. 

"Tomorrow better work," Fry says sombrely. 

"It will," Newt says quietly. "It will." 

Frypan nods before wandering away, up in the direction of the warehouses. 

"Where are you going?" I call after him. 

"Finding Thomas, haven't seen him all day!" he responds. 

"If you find him, tell him I'm looking for him!" 

"Will do!"

I look back to the seagulls, but they've gone. I stare out to the sea with a thoughtful expression, letting the brisk wind blow my hair back from my face. 

"What are you thinking about?" Newt asks. I face him and swallow anxiously, tucking my newly-cut hair behind my ears. 

"Newt... do you remember, on the night when WICKED invaded the camp, Thomas was about to press the button?" I say quietly. 

"Yes, why?" he replies curiously.

I sigh softly. "Do you remember... what I said to you? It was right before he was about to press it. I whispered something to you. Do you... I mean, did you hear it?" I utter nervously. 

He thinks, his lips slightly parted in concentration. "I thought I heard you say something... but, I think I misheard you, there was so much going on and all that shouting and... I'm not sure."

My heart sinks a little. I attempt a smile. "I was just wondering if you remembered, because I can't. I have a feeling it was something important, but I guess it must not have been if I can't remember it. It was probably just something stupid." 

He nods slowly. "Are you sure?"

"Positive," I lie. 

The sun disappears into the ocean as darkness falls on the beach. I think about the day to come, and watch as my hands tremble in the hazy dusk light.