She Is Beautiful

One

Alona did not stop running. She crossed the Crimson Way. But a great timing it was. The sudden downpour forced her to take shelter under the awning of the Ruby Amore Cafe.

She shivered, though not from humiliation anymore but from cold. She was wearing her usual red valentine T-shirt with a large pink heart printed on the center. Now, it really made the whole thing earlier more humiliating. Too late that she worried if she could manage to show her face, go back to school again. What happened was way too embarrassing, way too shameful. She chuckled to herself. Of course she could. Nobody would care. The taunts would increase because she dared to get close to Henry, the schools' Henry, but nobody would care.

Alona covered her face with her palms. Another wave of hurt slapped her next. She cried, her shoulders were moving up and down in a jerky way, she cried. Henry Jones, the guy she noticed even before everybody else noticed him, she liked him ever since third grade. It started when he gave her his lunch box because she forgot hers. But all these time, he was just being kind? He was just being kind?

She was upset. She lowered her other hand to her chest in an effort to soothe her heart that felt like it was about to explode from Rejection's very tight nip.

She was ashamed. How could she be so confident of herself? Of her appearance? How could she assume Henry's "kindness" as an act of a "romantic" affection? She stomped her feet in anger. She was blaming the book again. The awning protecting her from the rain made it worse. It reminded her of the book. The cafe's interior was classy, but its awning made it appear styleless and ugly. She tapped the ground with the tip of her shoe, sniffling. As quick as she blamed the Ruby Amore Cafe, she resented herself for putting fault on the innocent establishment. She was the awning. Henry was the cafe. And she makes him ugly.

"Hey, Alona?"

Alona brought down both of her hands to glance at the person. He was wearing platform boots, cargo jeans and spiked leather jacket. Studded rings in all his five fingers, pierced ears, and. . . and teal blue streaked fringe. . .

Alona almost gasped. She turned her head towards the opposite direction after recognizing him. It was Charles. Charles Felix. One of the school's punks. She had done him wrong one time. In middle school. She didn't write his name on their group project because he did nothing. It wasn't technically wrong. But he failed the course because of it, and Alona felt guilty.

"It's cold. Do ya wanna huddle together?"

Alona could feel her tears seep dryly through her skin. Before she could say no, she felt Charles' arms warm her shoulders.

"Now that's better."

Alona could even smell the mint gum Charles was chewing. She could not move a muscle although her mind was commanding her to. Even if death comes knocking at her door and a human's warmth is her dying wish, she would never ever let herself be in someone else's arms besides Henry, not all the more, Charles Felix.

She elbowed Charles as hard as she could. He groaned, his hands leaving Alona's shoulders to caress his stomach. Alona took the chance to flee.

She ran again. Under the heavy rain. She hated herself. Her blind confidence. Her ugly appearance. Her stupid stupid heart.

She cried under her blanket for hours. She would tell herself to stop because she deserved the humiliation. But the moment the tears were drying, she would cry again. Her mother called for dinner, but she did not go down. Only when it was past one in the morning did her eyes finally tire themselves. Walking down the stairs without much energy, she headed to the kitchen. There was a bag of chocolate chip cookies on the counter. She took it. There were also the three slices of cake in the fridge, leftovers from two days ago which she bought for her mother because it was her birthday. She took them.

She turned the TV on as she ate while making sure the volume was low enough not to wake her mother up. And as she stared at the last slice of cake, she realized something. She had completely stopped crying. Her heart was comforted and her brain briefly forgot about yesterday's embarrassing moment.

She woke up close to five in the morning at the sound of a girl calling her name. Her eyes half-opening for a second, she saw that the sun was still not up. She turned her head, the cotton pillow fluffy on her cheek.

"It's the end of the world, Alona! It's the end of the world!"

It was Sanda again. She had been coming to their house and waking her up early in the morning with the same alarm call 'It's the end of the world.' It had been going on for two or three months now but Alona still did not know what she meant with that 'end of the world' scream. Alona stumbled across her once months ago in Terra Cotta while she was watching an older girl busking. Sanda asked her to join her in her early morning run, but she refused, already feeling self-conscious about the mere thought of running in public. People around her would all be thin and she was the only fat one. A companion like Sanda would make her feel less self-conscious, but Sanda was not as fat as her.

Ten minutes after, the call stopped. Alona stared at the umber wall, her arms hugging her pillow now. What is ugly? Why am I ugly? Is being fat ugly? Why is being fat ugly? Is it my eyes? Why? They're my own unique eyes. My nose? It's my nose—

Her phone vibrating, the Chamber alarm sounding, Alona listlessly turned it off. She should be drinking a glass of water by now as she had been doing for the past months. Then she would be unrolling the strip yoga mat next, stretching. Then she would sit in her desk, reading. But on this particular day, she did not feel like doing anything at all.

She reached for the bag of chocolate chip cookies above her head, sat up and munched. She would forget about Henry, about her one-sided crush. Yes, through eating, she would.