SLACKER'S NOTIONS

Not Alone.

"Whenever I want you to be the first one to listen, you weren't there."

Muffling up my cries I sobbed incoherently reminiscing his words.

This was not what I wanted. I didn't know that my ignorance and my one wrong step would make me land here where no one wants to be.

With trembling hands I picked up an old yet classy diary and a pen from my bag which was lying beside me.

Turning few pages, my hands stopped at a white, unpainted space. Gripping my pen on my right, I began penning my thoughts to my secret sharer, Lily.

Lily,

I was wrong. I was so damn wrong to choose my career over my love, all the time. How can I be so blind in achieving my goal that I ignored the one who is the sole reason behind my position and status.

I'm and will always be proud to say that he was, is and will always be stepping stones to my success.

Living life too the fullest was our logo. When he was there everything was just so 'Impeccable', every little thing seemed beautiful and lively. But as we are all well aware of the fact, life comes with choices and one needs to make some hard choice in life.

Even, I was asked to make choice between the two main ingredients of my life, my love-- Sanskaar and my career. It was difficult, in fact very difficult for me as both were equally important to me. It was then when his hand held mine and an assuring smile on his lips made me overwhelmed and I chose my ambition over love.

He was my true love which I realized when he stood by me and raised his head high, clearly saying that he respect and was proud on my decision.

Everything was going swiftly with him by my side but then I acted like a bitch. I become selfish in growing fame and status that  I didn't knew when I started distancing myself from him. My whole focus come on my studies and unintentionally I ignored him.

They say, 'love can wait for you but career won't'. And you know what, he did. He did waited for me for so long but I went so far from where it seemed impossible to come.

When we were about to lose our all contacts with each other it was then I started missing his absence. His one phone call created havoic in me which pulled me back to the reality. I started missing being in his arms, I started missing his love, care, warmth and the whole of him.

Now when I'm here for him, running away from everything, he isn't here. I know I do deserve a punishment but the punishment he is giving me is intolerable. It is suffocating me seeing my love lying between those innumerable wires connected to those bulldozer machines.

And what can I do?? Nothing!! I'm just a useless creep sitting outside the OT praying a miracle to happen. I hate being helpless and today that's what I am.

I know nothing will happen to him, coz I'm still breathing and as long as I'm breathing no one can harm him not even that shitty lungs cancer. Then why these tears?? Don't know, but these tears, they are not ready to listen to me. No matter how much I try to act strong but these tears always makes me look at my real self.

It's not like now I do not want to complete my goal, of course I do have to, but not alone, with HIM.

I've brought up this atrocious time in our life and now, I'll only mend ways. I promise to myself to make it up to him even if he ignores me.

________________×××________________
 

Screeching a long line below I put the pen at stop. Keeping the diary aside, I wiped away the tears which were still gliding down my cheeks.

"I know I'm not forgivable nor I'm going to beg you to forgive me instead I believe in seeking forgiveness. I promise to never let you go far away from me again. But please don't leave me alone. I'm afraid to be left alone, Sanskaar. I love you and will love you till my last breath," I cried silently.

Now when I've realised his importance in my life, he's not here.

"Please save him, god," I cried, clenching the bench. "If anything happened to him I won't be able to forgive myself. Please, don't make him suffer for my ignorance," closing my eyes I sent a silent prayer to the one watching from heaven.

My feet instantly hit the floor as I rose from my seat, hearing the door open. "Ms. Swara, congratulations. The operation was successful. He is saved," the doctor said coming out from the operation room.

"He is saved," my heart and mind broke out at same time.

Yes, he is saved. My Sanskaar is saved. My heart danced with joy as happy tears made down their way.

"Thank...you," I managed to say as more tears flooded down. But this time it was not of helplessness instead it was of happiness. My heart felt light and my mind felt content.

Sending a silent thanks to god and after giving a dumb ear to the doctor I rushed inside the OT to meet the one who gave me a reason to live my life again. I not only got to know that I'm NOT ALONE but also that he still loves me. My heart rejoiced when he spoke my name in the unconscious state. I'm not alone nor I can ever be, not atleast when I know he is there to hold me tight. I'll make sure to gain the trust in his heart for me once again, like I do in him.

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THE END❤❤

It is not an OS, not a drabble, not a story, neither pocket story nor a poem. So what is it?

That even I don't know. Just a random thought that passed my mind and I penned it down.

Dedicated to my Tom❤ aka The_Sarcastic_Girl_ . A small gift for her birthday. Though it was two days back but can't help coz I was too busy in something else for which  main dil se maafi maangti hun.

How was it do let me know in the comment section 😀❤