Beloved

15.

'Where are you Ayat?' He asked me.

'I am at the camp' I told him.

'What camp?' He inquired.

'It's a volunteer trip' I answered him.

'Do you want to meet?' He asked me after several seconds of complete silence.

'Why?' I wanted to find out what he thought of me...what was he thinking?

'I want to meet you...I wanted to for some time now...there is something I need to discuss with you' He said to me.

'Okay,' I agreed.

'Okay...message me when you're back from the trip' He said to me.

'I will...okay bye...' I replied.

'Okay...and listen Ayat...I am sorry' He said at the end of the call.

'Why are you apologizing?' I asked him, he sounded off or maybe I was overthinking and overanalyzing things as usual.

'See you' He didn't answer my question and ended the call.

I heard a knock on the door a few hours later while I was in the middle of reading a book to keep my mind from having more strange thoughts. Saba was probably back so I got off the bed to open the door, but instead of Saba I saw Mr.Hamza  standing in front of me holding a bag in his hand.

'You didn't join us for dinner...so here' He offered me a bag of food to take.

'Thank you...I was tired so I came to my room' I told him as we stood there looking at each other. How would my life be if I hadn't met Mr.Hamza I thought? Easier perhaps? Less tormenting for my heart and brain?

'Stop lying, there is no one here who you can fool with your words' He said angrily.

'Mr. Hamza you should go...I'll see you tomorrow, thanks for...' I was about to close the door when he came forward and stopped me from closing the door.

'I am not done talking' He gazed into my eyes.

'I am...please leave or else I'll call security, you are crossing the line' I looked down to avoid looking directly in his eyes. They were too intense for me, I knew he'll see everything I was feeling in my eyes if he looked at me a little while longer.

'Why are you hiding from me? Talk to me' Mr.Hamza pulled his eyebrows together and further opened the door so he could look at me directly.

'Why would I be hiding be from you? and I don't have anything to talk about' I tried to close the door, but he didn't let me.

'Okay so why didn't you come over for dinner?' He challenged me.

'I had to talk to Zaid' I responded to him somehow knowing that he won't like me mentioning his name. Wishing that hearing his name will make him leave.

'You think saying his name is going to make me leave?' He mocked.

'Why are you making my life so damn hard Mr.Hamza? Don't you have anything better to do? Why can't you just let me be?' I pushed his shoulders to make him leave.

'It's too late for that...don't you get it? I can't leave you alone' He grabbed my wrist from his shoulder and pulled me toward him, outside an empty hallway.

'Even if I tell you that I hate you...will that be enough to make you leave? Even if I tell you that I like Zaid...will you still say these kinds of things to me?' I fired back, his eyes locked into mine.

'You hate me?' He gripped my wrist harder.

'You are hurting me Mr.Hamza...' I swallowed back my resentment. His grip loosened around my wrist, but he didn't let me go completely. There were so many emotions twirling in my chest that I felt like my heart was going to explode.

'And you are hurting me, do you think that I planned to fall in...' He let go of me and looked away.

I needed to get away from him, I turned around to go back to my room, but he grabbed my hand again and made me look at him.

'I am sorry' He said out of despair, his eyes darted all over my face waiting for my reply. He looked so vulnerable as opposed to a second ago when his eyes were full of rage. I couldn't move.

'Ayat?' Saba's voice coming from the side of the hallway and pulled me back to the reality of time. I successfully pulled my hand from his grasp and took a step back from Mr.Hamza. Mr.Hamza walked over to Saba and whispered something to her before disappearing out of my sight.

'Are you going to stand there all night?' Saba yelled from across the hallway and I walked back to our room. As soon as we got inside, she grabbed my elbow to make me look at her.

'Don't you have even the slightest bit of feelings towards him Ayat?' Saba asked me sadly.

'Don't you see how miserable he is?' She shook me.

'No, I don't. I can't help him, Saba...I am no God' I told her and went to my bed, feeling upset with myself for letting things go so far.

'I feel bad for you Ayat' She said to me and I stared at her.

'How can your eyes not see the love that he has for you? The kind of love that you deserve...how can you walk away from it?' She questioned me, looking at me with disappointment.

'I don't have place for love in my life anymore Saba...love makes you weak and I can't be weak...' I whispered slowly and quickly wiped the tears from my eyes.

'People get hurt in love Ayat...that's okay, it's part of loving' Saba sat next to me and gave me a comforting hug. It was easier for her to say this, she was marrying the person she loved. She didn't understand the dilemma I was in...I couldn't just break the commitment that I had with Zaid and break the promise I made with Mama. It was too late. It was too late for me to fall in love.

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