Again

Chapter 13

After leaving the carnival, Zac drove them to a clearing in the woods they used to frequent when they were younger.  The woods housed a lake where'd they'd spent so many summer days together.  They usually went as a group, the 4 of them always relishing in the days they had together before music and business took them away from home.  Once Kayla and Zac started seeing each other, though, this had become their "special" place.  They'd come here and talk and could be together as long as they wanted to without worrying about anyone seeing them.
When Zac pulled into the clearing, he heard Kayla gasp softly.  It had been a long time since they'd been back.  He'd reversed his truck up to the banks of the lake and put it into park.  He'd gotten out without saying anything to Kayla.  Moments later he opened her door and put his hand out to help her out of the cabin.  He walked, holding her hand, to the back of the truck where he'd let the tailgate down.  He reached into the bed and pulled out a blanket.  He folded it over the tailgate before turning to Kayla and picking her up onto the truck's bed.  He joined her side and pulled out a rolled joint from his pocket, along with a green lighter.  He lit the joint and breathed it in, holding it for a couple of seconds before exhaling.  He took another hit before passing it to Kayla, as she mimicked the hits he took.  They fell into a comfortable pattern, and sat in silence together for a few moments before either of them spoke.

"I miss coming here," Zac said, seemingly out of nowhere. "Everything is always good here."
Kayla took another hit from the joint and handed it back to Zac.

"I think you need to talk to Kate," she said quickly, not realizing what she was saying before she could stop herself.  Zac turned to look at her.  She rose her eyebrows at him, but he didn't say anything before turning his eyes back to the lake. "I mean, I just think... I don't know... it just doesn't really seem like you're dealing with it, and that's not really like you," she said.

"Isn't it, though?" he replied.  His words shocked Kayla, and she was unsure how to take them. "Realistically, when do I really deal with or react to anything with Kate?  I mean, I know we don't talk about her much but it's pretty much been just me going with the flow of things.  Especially these last few months.  Don't get me wrong, I care about her.  I mean, I guess I love her, but honestly, what is there to talk about?  She said she needs time to figure out if being with me is what she really wants and she wants me to do the same, but I don't really feel like that's something people should really need 'time' to think about.  You either want to be with someone or you don't.  What's so hard about figuring that out?"

Kayla remained silent.  She forgot how much of a chatterbox Zac could be when he was high.  "Perfect time to bring up the ex-girlfriend you never want to hear about," she thought to herself.  
"So does that mean you don't want to be with her?  Cuz you kind of sound mad about the whole thing," she replied.

Zac turned to look at her.  He could see the concern on her face, but deeper than that he saw the hurt in her eyes.  He immediately regretted talking about Kate at all.
"I called her this morning to break up with her."
Kayla widened her eyes.  She wan't sure how to respond to those words, "Why?!" she suddenly heard herself asking.

"Because I felt like I didn't want to be with her.  I felt like... like since we've been together there was always a 'but' in my life.  I want to travel the world forever... but what about Kate?  I want to do this and that and spend time with you and hang out with my brothers and just be me sometimes... then I always think, 'but what about Kate?'  I've spent so much time trying to figure out a way to fit her into my life, it just started to feel so forced.  Since I've been back from Georgia, I've felt so free.  I know that whole 'senior year, I'll be busy' excuse is all bullshit... or maybe it's not, I don't know, I've never been to high school, but as pissed off as I was when she gave it to me, I was so happy at the same time.  I felt like all I was doing lately was trying to find ways to 'nicely' exclude her from my life.  I wasn't even bothering to try to fit her in anymore."

"Then why are you so upset that she broke up with you?  Why did you have to sleep almost an entire day away in order for you to feel like you were over it?" Kayla asked.  Her tone was accusatory, but she didn't care.  She'd already opened up the can of worms, she may as well get answers now.

"Because she had to kiss someone else in order for her to figure out what she wanted.  And she didn't even figure it out!  She's still 'not sure'," he answered.

Kayla scoffed, "As opposed to you who was fucking someone else and still knew you wanted to be with her?" 

Zac snapped his face in her direction, but she simply just turned away.  

"Kayla... I'm--" he started.

"It's fine Zac, I mean, I get it.  You have pride, she hurt your ego, but I mean, don't you think you're being a bit of a hypocrite?  The only difference is she was honest with you about it," she said cutting him off.  Her anger was rising and she couldn't control it.  She looked around the truck bed and found the joint they'd put out earlier.  She grabbed the lighter off of Zac's leg and lit it.  She inhaled it deeper than she had, previously, and let out a loud exhale, "All I'm saying is," she paused and coughed a little, "it sounds more to me like you're upset that she beat you to it, which makes absolutely no sense to me,"

"Why doesn't it make sense?" Zac asked, finally speaking.

"Because you said you called her to break up with her, so why does it matter who did it first?  The end result was going to be the same, except now you feel like she won, which is stupid because up until a couple of months ago, you've cheated on her your entire relationship.  So if anybody won Zac, it was you.  You had a girlfriend who everyone loved and you guys could seem like this beautiful amazing couple with all these values and shit, while still being able to come home every night and get your rocks off whenever you wanted to.  So tell me, who really won? The girl who 'beat' you to the break up first or the guy who spent the last year and a half in two relationships at the same time?!"  Tears were beginning to well up in her eyes when she was finally done speaking.  She could feel Zac looking at her, but she didn't turn to face him.  She kept her eyes straight until she saw him look away and then she lowered her head.  She hadn't meant to say all of those things, but she was immediately glad she had.

"Maybe we should just go home," she suggested.  Zac's head immediately snapped up as he turned to look at her.

"No, Kail.  We just got here," he pleaded.  "I just want to be here.  Or anywhere really, with you.  I know you're mad--"

"I'm not mad Zac," Kayla said, cutting him off, "I'm just..." she trailed off.  Zac waited for her to continue, but she didn't say anything.  She passed Zac the joint that was still in her hand and laid her body back into the bed of the truck.  She reached her hands behind her head and stared up at the stars above them.  "Have you ever come here alone?" she asked him, breaking the silence.