A reason for living

Bye, Bye

Does heaven exist? I have been wondering for a long time, but never considered it. Dying for me- was the biggest nightmare on some days and the biggest blessing on others. The way life flies by the second you see this white light everyone talks about and you actually think it's leading you to a place after life. A place away from the stinging pain, the struggle, the fatigue. A place away from annoying people, from responsibilities and any problem that ever occurred and made one worry. That place is what everyone sees in this white light.

It doesn't exist. After death- comes nothing. Nothing at all. The white light is some kind of projection in your brain, just before it shuts off and your vision is black. Not even black, the color that's shown after death is no color. It's just- nothing. You feel nothing, you are nothing and you can't think of anything after death. You're just not there anymore. That's the realistic thing happening, when someone spends their adult life in a hospital, listening to so many people who will actually die and some think of a nice place, some think of being reborn- and some think of just not existing anymore. I think I don't exist anymore. I just wish, that people who know me- would forget. Forget everything about me and live like nothing happened. That would be my dream.

What would my heaven look like though if I believe I will end up in one? My heaven is blurred, it's a little dark and somehow, it looks familiar. The place where I am going to. And the closer I come, the more I see of this place, this heaven.

It has- a red puddle in the middle. Right in the middle but I don't understand what that is. The surroundings of my heaven are so- ordinary. But the feeling of flying towards it is still there. Maybe behind those gates, someone is waiting for me. Maybe a ghost. Maybe a ghost- with red hair.

He lays on my lap, in my room. His soft hair covering my thighs and his big hands taking in half of the left over space. This is my heaven? Is he my heaven? He, who I so desperately tried to escape from and not show my vulnerability, my fear and reason for living. I had no reason. Before he came. And now I understand. The purpose of my life- is not for the main thing to make him live happy; but to make him live happy with me by his side. Maybe my old self is actually dead and my new me is going over to heaven, a place with peace and love. Wasn't he the one always giving me that? This peace..? He was.

My eyes adjust to the dim lighting in my hospital room. The scent of sweet shampoo mixed with pills. Kirishima smells like the shampoo I bought him, because it was in sale. He still uses it, even though he's such a rich guy. My face feels dry, kind of new. My body is not able to move, the fingers of my left hand are very close to Kirishima's. I try to tense my muscle inside the hand, to maybe reach his and discover if he's real. If this place isn't really my heaven. Or rather- my hell. But the more I try to move my fingers, the further it seems I need to go. My hand acts impetuous, while my facial expression is just filled with despair. I need to reach him now- need to know, if this is real. If he's-

His fingertips move up to mine, slowly, slightly reaching out. His eyes are opened, laying on the side of his head, just looking up. The beautiful eye shape, the soft skin, his few freckles, the hair, which so beautifully hangs down his forehead. He's so beautiful. And his hand- touches mine. Our eyes finally meet.

„Fuck." He whispers so softly, that I need to read his lips in order to understand the unfamiliar ‚hey' he usually gives me. But there's only one thing I could say to make him smile.

„Fuck to you too..." And the sound reaches out even weaker than his, reaching up to his ears and make his beautiful, big eyes close so softly and connect the movement to his lips raising a little and forming a long, tired smile.

„I thought I-"

„You really tried." He interrupts me, opening his eyes to a slim breach. He shades me for trying to kill myself and just end the unceasingly pain.