Quick entry

She never knew all her life trained for her this, this moment, this very special day.

She never thought she'd be holding something so small and precious in just a few short months, while being 18, and nearly able to own her own home, " just a few more weeks " she kept telling herself " just a few more weeks till i can rest.." all the work, will soon pay off after she signed those documents, moved in, and was holding the key, it was all surreal, she didn't think it would actually be happening — all those hours and days picking out the flooring and paints she wanted and desired in her own home, nor finding all the furniture and plants and outdoor items she wanted on display for her new neighbors to see and enjoy — besides herself of course.

all those nights, sleepless — holding onto her stomach, 5 months pregnant yet still dreaming about the child, she had a choice to make, keep it, or adopt it out, she first danced on the idea and option of adopting — because having a child when you're still too young and still a child yourself in your mind, isn't a very pleasant thing and easy thing to think about. She kept saying how terrified she was, but yet she was excited, she truly didn't know anymore what she wanted with this baby.

But she did know, that she didn't truly know the babies father, not that she slept with every guy in town, because she didn't.

This young girl had spent 6months in a torture chamber called a homeless shelter — sure it helped, but it wasn't the best days or time of her life. It's rough being on the very bottom of things when you haven't had the chance to even start or begin your own life, she didnt even know what life was yet, 2 convictions she dealt with, one her own parent while the other was just a random man that walked into their lives. While walking and treading through fostercare with people she thought would be best for her to help her and teach her things she desperately needed to learn because no one prior thought to teach her anything necessary to be in the " real " world that every adult she knew seemed to call it. Although she was already living in that real world — her mind being pryed and forced open at the age of 5 and having to tell and deal and talk to people no 5yr old girl should have too, admitting and committing to something she had no clue about, no sense of what really happened because she wasn't old enough to know of yet. Having those people turn around and become just like everyone else she knew in her life, dirty and nasty — mean and distorted their " jokes " were never funny to her, not even once — Yet she was stuck with these people until she turned 18 but even then they weren't the best people to know or have known. Everything happened to her so quick — just as it always had. She never once had a choice, or a chance, for anything but now she did and that scared her, she didnt know what was going to happen, being so used to everything being so smooth and clean, crisp as autumn air — and then to have it crash down on her moments later like a tidal wave, she was scared it was going to happen to her now, with the house, the kid on the way and no idea what was going to happen with that, she still turned toward adopting it out, this baby deserved a better life than what she could provide it at the moment, Kids take a lot and a lot she did not have at the moment, she was starting everything from scratch. Including her own life.

It's never easy being 18, seeing every other 18 year old having everything she couldn't, but they didn't have the life she had, didn't walk through the Hellish days she did, Didn't have to deal with the people and things and nightmares, shadows and corpses of so-called friendships to only be backstabbed by them months later, she tried and it took blood, sweat and tears for her to get where she is, that 5yr old girl, never stopped her fight, never waved pure white flag that would end the bloodshed she was being given, even when she tried several times with plenty of blades that would make a chef blush, but now she owns an entire arsenal of weapons and she plans on using them all those words that were never said, were going to be said just how she wanted too on those nights she spent crying over, on all the people who hurt her, on those so-called friends who didn't see just how much she was doing — and called her a liar. How tired and old she'd become because of everything she was dealing with, been dealing with, the prison break she was making with a relationship with someone that's been hurting her and dragging her through the mud, because that's not how you treat a child. If there is mud and dirt in your life, god forbid don't drag your kin through it too they dont deserve it. She was ready, and it was time to show for what she was trying all those years to become, all those things she tried to do. People used to laugh at her call her a child for knowing so much about what she did, ( which is ironic, those people who picked fun at her and laughed at her are the same people who watched her walk through what she was forced to walk through, no child can just forget the mud they treaded and go back to being their innocence. That's simply not how it all works in the mind ). Studying so hard when she was too young to be an adult, she was an adult before she had to and it that's how it stayed, she never had that childhood to call her own, to tell her own kids one day about — all those fun memories, " fun " isn't even a word that she knows, she doesn't even know how to relax, have fun, or simply be herself.

She doesn't have that self that everyone else does and grew to have, she doesn't know herself at all. All she is and knows is work — maybe that's why friends weren't things she's had, because they were children, and she was an adult that looked 6yrs old, but she could tell you how hard it is to look a member of her own family in the eyes and tell them what they are doing to make her feel such convictions that she wants nothing more than to lay in the grass and put herself to sleep forever- never to wake again, where she knew in the back of her mind that know one would really care, they didn't care when they had seen all those cuts and marks on her wrists, didn't care when she actually made a toxic chemical and started breathing it in oh-so-deep, They simply didn't care all those times so many years ago it seems but it really wasn't more than 4years ago, maybe less. What would make them care now?

Her entire life had been nothing but a battlefield while all she had as a weapon was a white flag. So maybe this would be all for the best, this great house, this baby, she doesn't even have a license or a car yet, but she'll figure it all out, just as she did everything else all on her own, then remembering her mother being all over the news, along with that man, tore her down for this entire town knew that family, this entire world would soon know her, once she peaked out and said Hello, and that scared her the most, who would know? Who would bring the past up? Who would see passed her eyes and into her soul — See the true pain she hides behind everyday and night, locked away in the back of her mind so maybe she could focus on her own self for once, it terrified her knowing that it would only take someone a few moments of thought to connect the dots of them and her, and see where she came from, see who she was deep down inside that she desperately tried to hide. What if it all came out? Would it make any sort of difference in the life she's trying to build?