Dear Thought book

Hello World

Don't look at me like that you knew this would come late 😇. For some reason I procrastinate a lot with this book. Maybe it's because a part of me doesn't want to face the fact that I might not be the same girl I was when I first started writing. Maybe it's because a part of me feels naked now that a lot of people I know now read this. Or maybe it's just because I'm a lazy ass person who would rather lay around watching anime all day and try to forget about all the emotions swelling up inside me. It's hard to tell. Either way, sorry for the wait.

So in my previous chapter, I wrote briefly about what had happened to me these past few months. Well, things have been good so far. Except for when Father came back . He's gone now thank God. Even though he did get posted to a place known for terrorism. I pray for him. I'm just not there yet. Especially since he keeps causing my Mom so much heartache and me but I'm kind of used to it. The only one who seems to be oblivious to it is Seb. I guess no matter what, most boys will always have a special place in their hearts for their fathers.

Although I've noticed that he might have taken a little bit of his darkness. Seb is so manipulative and rude and (sorry to say) kind of a bad person. I always told my parents that they always spoiled him and eventually it would come back to haunt them but they just shrugged it off and ignored me like always do. And now it seems like I might he right. Whilst I didn't get a say in my choice of schooling, Seb did. And he chose to go to a very expensive private school which if you ask me might also be the reason he's developed such an attitude. Due to the kind of school it is, it's very common for the students there to have a sense of entitlement which he has also adopted. But them again it could all just be a cover for him not to express how he really feels about the whole situation at home. It just bothers me because I can't really do anything especially since if all goes well with my IELTS exam (on the 13th of October. I'm a nervous wreck), then I won't be around.

I strongly think that if the house was more united, if we had grown up in a family where we were more open and understanding and loving then maybe we would all be better for it. I can't really blame my father though. He too is a victim of a broken home. His father (who has now passed. I think I've mentioned this) was a bricklayer who married three wives. The first one being his mother abandoned him at the age of 8 so he, as the first born son had to step up and take care of his little sister who is now dead from obesity amongst other things .No one in the family was educated. So him going to school wasn't really a priority. Nobody really cared. So he used the little money he made off of petty trade to put himself through school. During the holidays he worked with his father at construction sites just to raise money. He managed to get into college. He wanted to be a doctor.

But then the money got too tight and his uncle, my grandfather's older brother who is a retired major general from the army adviced him to join the academy. And having no choice he did. He came out top of his set took care of his step siblings and nephew because I think by that time his sister had already passed leaving behind a son whose father was nowhere to be found up until recently. And after a couple of years married my Mom. It's a very long story and believe it or not, this is just the abridged version.

The point I'm trying to make is no one is completely bad. Most if not all the time, there's a reason behind why people do what they do. My father didn't grow up in a house that was together. And like I've said before we often pay for the sins of our fathers. The reason he's probably not a family man is because he never really exprienced family. Even the step siblings and other siblings he took care of don't really get along with each other. It's probably why he doesn't feeling so bad having affairs either. He grew up in a polygamous home. His wedding with my Mom wad the first the family had ever experienced because most of them don't get married. They just sleep around until they knock someone up and then asked them to move in. So I do understand. At least my brain does. My heart still feels the pain. And I guess that's why I view relationships so differently compared to most people I know and those around my age. But that's a chapter for another day.

I titled this chapter "Hello world" because I wanted to talk about college life and how it will be. Assuming I pass this exam of course. Most people say I should because it's just a test of English which I seem to be good at. But I think it's what you think you know that kills you. I just want everything to work out. It would have taken a blind person not to see how depressed my Mom was when Father was here. Things have gotten better between us. But I see how unsatisfied she is with life. If I get to Canada I want to go to graduate and get a good job and get her out of this place. I just really wabt everything to work out. Because I'm so scared.

Scared of if I'm going to fail the exam. Scared that if I pass and get there I might flunk out. Scared that my uncle (my Mom's cousin) and his wife that want me to come there might not like me. Just so scared of everything. All I have is hope. Hope that one day Ill look back at all of this and smile. That one day,I can raise my head up high and say "Hello world,it's me. I made it".
***************************
That took so much out of me. I know it's a little rough around the egdes to say the least but I hope you like it. Vote, comment, share. Till next time ♥