Doki Doki:Dusk to Dawn

Chapter Two

I started High School just after my 14th birthday. I began what would be the most tumultuous 4 years of my life not expecting a lot. My plan for getting through it was pretty much the same as it had been for Middle School. Keep my head down, don't interact unnecessarily, get good grades and everything would be fine. College would be an option, I would have the opportunity to get a good career and life would be as much of a breeze as it could be for me.

It was never going to be that easy though. But they do say, the things that are worth getting in life are never easy to achieve.

Nobody cared about me in middle school because I was never really noticable. I never stuck around for long as it was and I had been to a different elementary as the rest of the kids so I wasn't exactly on their radars. In High School however, it was like a clean slate. Everyone had been to different Middle Schools so my excuse from before was not going to work here.

Obviously, being a loner, I became a bit of a target. It didn't take long for basically everyone to isolate me anyway. I almost preferred it that way as it meant I didn't have to deal with anyone. Soon after though, I got the unwanted attention I had been dreading.

One day, I made the mistake of bumping into a senior. A jock. An important member of a few teams. He was untouchable. Everyone loved him so it's not like I could go to a teacher and complain. He was the star of a lot of clubs that were very important to the school too. This guy was going to have his way with me and nobody would say otherwise. They would look the other way.

Needless to say, the next few months and, pretty much, the remainder of the year were not a good time for me. That wasn't even the worst part.

My grandparents, the only people I had left and my last line of support, were aging. I guess the stress of taking in a child full-time when your body is degrading is not the best thing for your health. My grandmother fell ill. The kind of ill that costs a lot of money and isn't something that you recover from easily. 

Her first incident occured about halfway through my first year of High School. She had a mini heart attack that resulted in her being hospitalised for a few weeks due to her age and decreasing health. It was during that period that I, basically, lived on my own for the first time in my life. My grandfather didn't want to leave his wife's side which, obviously, is understandable. I didn't become an afterthought as such but it felt like I was pushed to the side for a bit.

It was during those weeks where I spent the majority of my time alone that I began to really think about my life. I would get up in the morning, go to school, come home, eat sometimes and go to my room at about 6pm and not come out of there until the next morning when I would repeat the routine all over again. The soundtrack I would fall asleep to was drastically different from that of my early childhood. Instead of screaming and voices filled with disgust and resentment, a deafening silence took its place. I longed for something, anything, to fill that void but there was nothing, no-one. 

It was the result of my actions. It was my fault. I'm the one to blame. If it wasn't for me, my parents might still be together. They might have been happy. I ruined that. Surely I did. People don't just fall out of love for no reason. The only reason there could have been was me. It's the same way now. My Gran is in the hospital because of the stress I've caused her. My grandfather is under intense amounts of stress that could have him end up in the same situation as gran, all because of me. They would have stayed in the isolated corner of the old city if I hadn't come along. They would be living in peace, without stress as they had been. If I didn't look so stupid and look like a fool and was like an actual human being, I wouldn't be getting bullied because I wouldn't have been on my own so no attention would be on me. If I wasn't so undesirable, maybe some of the girls would talk to me. Everyone in my life would be better off if I had never been born. I'm worthless. My life has no purpose. What could someone like me possibly achieve in life? I'm a nobody. I ruined my parents lives, I ruined my grandparents lives, I ruin everything. There's no-one to blame but me.

I cried myself to sleep most night, begging to get away from the feeling of isolation and lonliness that had sunk its claws into me for the previous 4 years of my life. At the same time, I didn't want anyone to come along. I was afraid of what would happen if they did. I couldn't take ruining another life. 

What I'm trying to say is, during my gran's stint in hospital, I discovered my previously dormant depression for the first time. I didn't care about anything during the day, my grades became even worse than they already had been, I couldn't eat, sleep and I was barely functioning. I felt as though I had nothing to live for. Whenever I did fall asleep, I was harassed by nightmares. All my worst experiences, the divorce, the bullying, the isolation, the bullying, the anxiety. All of it would haunt me throughout the night. 

Eventually, my gran was released and my grandparents came home. For the first time, I hid my emotions. They couldn't find out. I would stress them even more. I'd hurt Gran again. This was my punishment for being a burden. It was mine to deal with and mine alone. If I couldn't naturally be happy, I would fake it. For my grandparent's sakes.

As my first year of High School came to a close, I regained some sense of normality in my life. I was still feeling down the whole time but I learned to deal with it. My grades stabilised and I was allowed to progress to the next year. However, my bullying became so bad and tormenting, more for my grandparents than me, that I couldn't see myself going back to that school.

There was, luckily, another school in my city that was about a half an hour away. I would be able to transfer there with my grades and my grandparent's permission. I hadn't been to that part of the city yet so I didn't really know my way around which is why I was going to visit in a few weeks. I would spend a few days there to get my bearings and I would stay in the home of one of the school's administration members. For the first time in a long time, I was excited about change in my life. This was my last chance to make myself look like a half decent person. I wanted to meet people and I wanted to try my best to become part of a friend group.

I didn't want to be on my own anymore and I was going to do everything in my power to make sure I wasn't!