All Of My Heart - Kellic

Chpater Seven - Kellin - I've Damned It All To Hell

It takes a while for my body to accept that this is where I am going to sleep and that I should hopefully be relatively safe – well, as safe as you can be whilst living on the streets – but when it does my eyes fall heavy. And with one last imagine floating through my head I fall into the unconsciousness that I've been longing for, hoping to wash away all of my memories about that boy who wears his slim tops showing off his lean but muscular arms, and lives in either skinny jeans or long shorts. Maybe my mind will just wipe out the memories of me ever looking into those deep brown eyes of his, and the feelings of letting everyone down might just melt away.

Sadly, however, when I open my eyes again I realise that the sun has come up and the thoughts of Vic are still present. In fact, they are even stronger than before, and now I realise just how perfect he is to me. No matter how many times he has been beaten up I will still love him, but that's exactly why I must control myself and prevent whatever it is that we hold from growing even more. Sure, I love him and want him more than air or life itself for that matter, but I don't think I am good for him so there is no way I can allow myself to corrupt him. Not again. A slightly crazed laugh escapes my lips as I remind myself of what a bitch I can be. But, in all honesty, the bitch of it all is that I'm running from the desire of the people to whom I belong. I know Vic loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but I just can't be with him again.

Judging by the way the sun is up, there is no doubt in my mind that school has already long started. Cool, it'll be easier to avoid that beautiful boy if I'm not in there today. I'll be in on Monday, I tell myself, almost as if I am trying to convince myself that school is something that I actually need to attend if I want to make a new life for myself. But, what can I say? Old habits die hard. I pick myself up off the bench and walk off in a direction I vaguely guess will bring me back to town.

After what feels like a couple hours, and about 10 moments of getting lost and going back on myself, I finally reach the street I have been absently ambling towards. My pace picks up a bit to match the rate of my heart. Why the fuck have I come here? But I know perfectly well why I came here. This place holds things I need, and I know that no one will be in here at the this hour, so I walk up to the door, a small smile of amusement lightens my face to see that although the door has been locked he has kindly left my key outside in it's traditional hiding place for me to enter whenever the hell I want. Even though he is a monster, he is also a gentleman, that boy. Maybe that's why I fell for his lies, all those months ago. Maybe that's why I feel safe with them again. Either way, it doesn't matter because I walk into the house, awarding myself a mental pat on the back to see that the house in indeed empty, just like I had predicted.

The room (Because I doubt you can actually call this little apartment a house) smelled just like I remembered; a mixture of sweaty teenage boys, and sex. Oh, and the helping of violence and alcohol thrown in for good measure. To put it this way; the building wasn't exactly the best smelling place I could be in right now, but then I guess there isn't really any other place I could be right now. My eyes scanned the room quickly to see if he had moved anything, but it is to my great relief that he hasn't. Good, Josh, it's about time you made something easy for me. With a smile on my face, and my heart beating in overtime I quickly salvaged anything I needed (like a couple fresh changes of clothes and some money, not to mention my phone,) which I hastily stuffed into a rucksack I found lying around. With all of that done, there is only one thing left for me to find. Drugs. I know I told myself that I wouldn't do anymore because of Vic, but if I'm not a part of his life anymore he won't have to know that I am using again.

I slide a packet of drugs in my pocket, smiling to myself about how easy this has been. I was expecting something much worse than this, if I am honest with myself, so I dash into the bathroom and grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. I's such a ridiculous thing for me to grab, but a necessity for looking good. Ha, I don't even have anyone to look good for, and yet here I am. Thinking about what I can do to make myself attractive. Maybe fucking someone else would help me get over my mixed up feelings, but I don't even know any gay people. Maybe it's best not to out myself in my new school just yet anyway.
“Well well well...” I hear a voice call from behind me and I freeze. Fuck, I did not expect him to be here. “I knew you would come back to me, baby,”
“Josh, I'm not coming back. I came to get my stuff.” My teeth gritted, I turn to leave, only to find that he is standing in the way. Of course he is.
“No, Kellin, some bitch took you from me the other night; I am not letting you go again!” He lunged forward, attempting to grab my arm, but I dodge. Taking this at my time to leave the bathroom.
“Just stop. Okay? Just stop it, Josh, we're over.” I say.
He didn't try to stop me this time, he simply looked deflated. As though I had just stabbed the balloon that counted for our messed up kind of relationship. “D-don't leave me, Kellin.” But I refuse to fall for his guilt tricks. I keep on walking for the door.When he notices that I am never coming back he runs after me, “You'll never be able to stay away from me though! Without me you are homeless! Without me are and have nothing. You hear me? You fucking hear me?” but I don't stay around to hear anymore of his shit. Instead I start walking again; quick, long strides to push me as far away as I can get in a short amount of time. There is no way I am ever going back to him

But I don't care where the hell I go. Nothing matters to me anymore, and why should it? If I have ruined the lives of so many innocent people there is no way in hell I should allow myself to even care about myself. I mean, come on, even my parents couldn't put up with me and my fucking tricks. And who would blame them? When they set out to have a child they didn't set out to have a homosexual kid that shoves everything in their face. Okay, so I admit, they weren't the best of parents but they never deserved the shit I put them through. I mean, just imagine the shame my family must have faced when people heard of what I have done. When they set out to raise a child they never expected to be the parents of a spawn from Satan, who would only serve challenge after challenge for them to deal with. Whether it be sexuality, grades at school, behaviour, drugs, putting myself in bad situations, and hurting anyone who I could ever care about... yep, I can see why they gave up on me. They are only human after all, and they can only put up with so much before their patience must inevitably run out.

It's only when I see the bench I slept on last night do I stop, my heart beating in my throat from excited nerves. I don't really like doing drugs in public in case I get caught and because it will get me in trouble, but that part of risk makes it ever more attractive. I know no one could care about me enough to stop me, and anyone who would care I would only shut out of my life anyway before that thing – the Voice - does it for me. Without even giving a fuck anymore I open up the little bag, forming small white lines on the arm of the bench. Fulfilling my usual ritual of finding a leaf to help me and cutting it down so that the drugs will last a bit longer but still hold the desired effects, I breathe in my temporary heaven and leave the rest of the world down below me. They don't need to know about a thing.