All Of My Heart - Kellic

Chpater Seven - Kellin - I've Damned It All To Hell

The title is from the all amaizng Follow My Lead, so check them out. Especially their song Crestfallen. I have used a load of random references which I would love if you could find. Also please vote/follow/comment. I hate asking but I think no one likes this story so yeah .-.
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That scar on his chest is all my fault. I have caused that broken, fragile boy so much pain and even though he tries to convince me otherwise I know it isn't true. I have hurt him. I have hurt this boy really badly. And I will do it all again. There is no way to stop me from hurting him unless I completely remove myself from his life. But I know I can't – there is no way I can move schools already because I have only been there a matter of days – plus nowhere would actually be willing to take on a drop out like me -  I guess I will just have to do the best I can in a tricky situation and ignore him. There is no other way than to make this mistake, really.

I can remember that day as though it was only yesterday, and although some of my memory has blanks in it I can still work the rest out. I have no idea what caused me to flip out and freak like that, but all I know is that I wasn't me. Something else took over and was set out on hurting anyone it saw as a threat. That thing takes over every now and again, and it's clear it doesn't like Vic one bit. My guess is that it doesn't like Vic having control over me. And, although he isn't the controlling type, the fact that I love him so much that he fills my thoughts and I would do anything possible to make his day even remotely better shows that he does have some control over me. Even if it is in a good way. Part of me wants to reach out to anyone and ask them what the hell is going on inside of my head, but I know it would only gain me weird looks if they knew that somehow someone else manages to take over my mind a body for a while, leaving me by the side to watch how it attacks anything I ever loved. The Voice longs to ruin me and often sits in the back of my mind, mocking me until it takes over.

My feet keep moving. With no recollection of thoughts about my whereabouts I carried on. It didn't matter where I went, just as long as I stayed away from Vic. But the night was slowly falling around me, and the cold air was starting to chill me to my bones. I need to find a place to set up camp, but I realise that there will probably be nowhere around here that would be sheltered. Fuck it. Why the fuck do I even care anymore? If I can hurt someone like that then maybe I deserve to be punished! He was once so perfect, but then I came along and destroyed any chance he had of having a good future. Well maybe now I can put things right for once. His life would be so much easier if I had nothing to do with it because all I do is cause him pain – the best way to remove that pain from him would be to just remove myself from him. Just go straight to the root cause of pain and remove it before it infect anything else. All I have to do is pierce the veil of the situation and stop all of this bull shit.

When I find a safer place to sleep (A bench slightly sheltered by a tree) I lower myself onto it. My thoughts are still waving in every which way, but due to my lack of sleep from the past few days I close my eyes willing for sleep to wash over. But it doesn't. Instead it leaves me pondering the events of the day. First off, Vic's beautiful face has been well and truly fucked up by his parents, and although he will always be fucking gorgeous to me, I am furious towards them for hurting such an innocent boy who deserves none of their shit. None of it. There is not a fucking cell in his body that should be hurt – especially when I am the one who caused it; not even him! But then I saw how fucked up I had made him as well and I realised that I am no better than his parents. In fact, I am worse than them because at least we all know that they couldn't give a fuck about him and therefore it's slightly better. But I do, I love that little Mexican boy with all of my heart so I have no fucking right to ever have laid a hand upon.

Then again, I didn't exactly lay a hand on him last time, did I? No, of course not. Not that it makes it any better though, because it might not have been a hand I laid on him, but it was a knife.