Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Artificial Sugar Tits

Well, of course that's what your experts say. It's their job to toe the line. But there are other — independent — experts who aren't so sure.

Like who?

Like me.

How exactly did you get to be an expert?

By becoming a mother.

And then getting a medical degree?

Anyone can go to medical school.

I'm pretty sure that's not—

But only a mother truly knows her own child!

Maybe, but that doesn't make her an immunologist.

Not according to western "medicine." And bear in mind these are the same people that said it's OK to eat gluten, but not a placenta.

This is ridiculous. We've been using diet sodas for decades.

And now we have zombies. Could that really be a coincidence?

So to be clear, you are saying that diet sodas are responsible for the zombie outbreak.

No, I'm just saying it's interesting. Did you know that pretty much everyone who became a zombie drank diet soda or were bitten by somebody who did? Does that prove that there's a link? I don't know. I just lay out the facts. You can vote however you want.

Um... you don't get to vote on science.

Not yet. But we're hoping to get enough signatures to get it on the ballot.

It doesn't matter. You could get a billion votes to, say, repeal gravity, but you still won't float away.

I guess I have more faith in democracy than you do.

Wow. OK. Let's change the topic. You mentioned before that you're a medical expert because you're a mother. Can you elaborate on that?

It has always been the mother's job to protect her young. And after thousands of years of evolution, we've developed this inner sense that lets us know when they're in danger. And that's exactly what happened one day when my now-ex-husband handed my child a diet soda. And I knew — just knew! — that if I let my daughter drink it, she would never be the same again. And then I poured it down the drain. Because I am a responsible parent.

How did your daughter react?

She was pretty upset. But I told her to stop complaining and eat your pot brownie.

Hold on. You won't let your kid drink diet soda, but you'll let her have a pot brownie?

Of course. Diet soda is full of chemicals. Marijuana is all-natural.

I see. So tell us about your child.

She's the love of my life! Her name is... Joeanne? Leanne? Dianne? Something-anne, I'm pretty sure.

And how old is something-anne?

I want to say four-ish?

You don't know?

I know that I adore her with all my heart. I know that the bond we have is unbreakable. And I know I'd do anything for her.

That's very nice.

At least I think it's a her.

You don't know that, either?

Hard to know when they're this age. Short hair and flat-chested? Could go either way. Anyway, this is really more of a question for the nanny.

It doesn't sound like you know that much about your own child.

Honestly, between my shooting schedule, my book tour and my speaking engagements — not to mention the endless Kegels — I'm pretty exhausted. The life of a working Mom, right? But trust me, Mirabel is fantastic.

I'm sorry. Did you say Mirabel?

Yes.

From Honduras?

Yes.

With one arm?

How did you know?

Lucky guess.

Would you like to talk to her?

I most certainly would.

Great. I'll set that up.

OK. Final question: Are you familiar with Dr. Chandra Meyer?

Not really.

She's an expert in infections.

So are half the people I work with.

I don't doubt it. Anyway, Dr. Meyer believes that she has a lead on a zombie cure, but she can't get funding. Do you have any advice?

Show a little cleavage.

Dr. Meyer is a world-renown expert authority! She has five doctorates, speaks six languages and years she ran the World Health Organaization! And that's your advice?

OK. Show a lot of cleavage.