Elantine Editing [Closed]

@RappyTheDinosaur: A Gamble of Paintings and Poison

Game Start

Your story has a great, hooking start! I found little to critique: the grammar was correct, the story well written. You brought excitement and tension to the very first words you wrote, hinting at mystery while revealing Raini's suspicion that Lady Jacintha has murdered her mother. The character's actions were realistic, you showed instead of told, and you expressed emotions well, for example when you wrote, "His warm brown eyes are always so full of affection (...) darkest things I've ever seen." Brilliant!

Level One

Level One is written from Maggie's perspective with a distinct, somewhat sarcastic character voice. You're pulled in immediately, intrigued and amused by her perfectly-placed comments. The characters seem well developed, and the exquisite writing style had an effortless flow, easily readable. Not only is the concept of calling your chapters "Level One" a detail that immediately intrigues the reader, the chapter also ended on an interesting cliffhanger.

Things you can improve on: The first two paragraphs seemed to written in present tense, so there was a bit of a lurch when the chapter was suddenly written in past tense (which, mind you, fit the narrative well.) I'd suggest just going over the first two paragraphs, changing to e.g. : "And of course, I'd forgotten my DS" and "And I was a college kid without a driver's license" (notice, the apostrophe had been forgotten here) as opposed to "And I'm a college kid."

Level Two

Wow. Your skill at portraying emotions is astounding. Not only is the reader compelled to read further, the reader falls into the story you've created. I love the plot line so far, and this chapter, although relatively long for Wattpad standards, was fun and quick to read. Once again, dialogue was on point and the grammar, except for a few typos and other mistakes (I pointed them out in inline comments) was almost flawless.

Things to improve on: Your time skip, "That was all a week ago," felt shocking and made me pause as a reader. I would suggest changing this - either by making the second half a new chapter, or by writing Elle's visit to report a missing person in a different past tense, or by writing, "This had happened a week ago," as opposed to "That was all a week ago," which would be in the same tense as the anecdote. 

Level Three

The beginning and endings of your chapters always intrigue. I loved your characters, especially Faye, and the change in perspective was fresh and interesting. Kindle's grumpy attitude mixed with his understanding for Maggie's depression made him a unique character, and the idea that the characters in the video game all felt lost had me intrigued.

Things to improve: Again you switched tenses at the beginning of the chapter. If you want to write in past tense, the first line should've been as follows: "In the ten years I'd known her, Faye had made quite a habit of getting herself into odd predicaments and coming to me for help."

Furthermore, I found the character development a little strange. Maggie seemed sassy and strong - her sudden quiet and sadness as opposed to curiosity as well as confusion surprised me. She seemed like the lively kind to me... However I found her defiance in character.

Overall:

Apart for a few tense deviations, the story was written in a beautiful way, sculpted into a fun read. I would even say that I wouldn't be surprised if it could get published, were you to try. The characters were fun to read about and I'd be interested to read on. 

***

Dear RappyTheDinosaur,

I apologise for how long you had to wait for this review. I hope you can forgive the time lapse. I really enjoyed reading your book, and hope you will let me know, should you decide to publish it.

Please remember to give credit for the reviews somewhere, either by shout-out or in your book. I hope the above was helpful, and if you'd like me to continue reviewing, please reapply for the next four chapters. Feel free to give a review on my services and good luck with all your writing endeavours!

-Hadley S.-