Government Mother

Chapter one. ~ Pretend

I've seen it. Those people who are just so magically strong. Whether they've been blessed and been born with that fighting spirit, or whether they've had so many blows the only choice they've had is to learn how to block them or give them back.

I live on road B. If you go to the right side of the road you go to the flat road, if you go to the left you have what's called the aspiring road. All my life I've been somewhere in between, never falling in one category. But I'm not like the people on the flat road, I wish to God I had their strength. Meanwhile I wish I had the 'no care attitude' of the ones from aspiring road.

I see how the people from both sides look at me, they can't make up their mind which side I'm more like, because everyone leans one way or the other. They've been trying to figure me out for ten years. See that's when they start looking to see whether you're going to be one of the ones that falls down or one of the ones that stays up.

I'm 18 now. I should have decided which way I want to go. What I want to do with my life. I should be dead set in my career or dead set against having one; I'm neither.

See I have the passion for too many different things in one area. How can I begin to choose one or bundle them all except up into one little box. I can't make that choice like I should. The deadline for my community's choice day is in 10 weeks. No one knows what happens if you miss it or you don't turn up, all we know is the ones that do you never hear of past that day.

If I don't hurry it one up and as my friends say get my life together who knows what will happen to me...

I should care I should be up all hours doing all training and volunteering that I can, but I've done that for two years solid and now I'm just tired. So damn tired.

I hear Mum crying most nights. She did so much but in the end she stuck she's in two jobs trying to get enough money. She likes going to one and she dreads the other, but she's had to go to get the money. Sometimes I think she wishes she made different decisions, she deep down feel or has learnt to feel she didn't do enough. She's so scared I'll do the same and end up stuck.
I want to stop her worries but I can't, I just can't. I'm scared but how I can I tell people when you're expected to be strong and brave if you want to get anywhere. All I know is if I tell mum it could break her, I'm not even exaggerating, I know the hope she holds that I'll get there, I'll get somewhere and keep building it so life's good is all that holds her to get her sometimes.

Its now 6 am, and I have 7 weeks 6 days and 21 hours.

I know I won't be getting any sleep but even the sleep deprivation doesn't explain the visions I'm having. Mum is sat at the table, facing the fall and there are two suitcases (our best) sat by the door. She should have another half an hour before her alarm goes off for job number one, so why on earth is she sat at the table and why are two of our best suitcase by the front door? Am I sleepwalking or is something seriously wrong?

"Mum? What's wrong?"

"Crap!"

Now I got close to could see was going through paperwork in front of her. Which didn't make any sense, she wasn't allowed to take papers home from work, because of confidentiality.

"Just what do you thinking to see doing creeping down the stairs at 6 in the morning Evelyn Rae??"

Note to self: full first name use spells trouble.

"Don't even try Mum. You need to explain what is going on. You have important looking papers in front of you and there's two suitcases by the door!"

"Evelyn Rae Luca-Delamore do not speak to me like that!"

Note to self: Approach with caution and avoid use of whole name. Becuase that really means something is wrong.