Regeneration (Winter Soldier fan fiction)

Scared

He felt the pain.

He couldn't explain his mind.

One minute, it's a vivid dream. Showing in detail and lighting every crack and crevice.

Then a struggle to remember.

Were these memories? Or were they just figments of his imagination?

He caught flashes of a man,

it burned through his mind like an ember catching as a wildfire to the wind.

They were doing something to him but why?

What did he do wrong?

Who were they?

But the real question, the one that bothered him the most.

What am I?

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He awoke once again with the same emptiness He had been feeling for years.

It could be days.

Hours?

Maybe years.

He didn't know...

I don't remember I don't remember I don't remember.

Useless, no worth. Useless, no worth.

The weight of everything came crashing down, suddenly. All the pressure, the weight that he had put off pushed down on him.

The dam had broke.

Water was flooding, overwhelming. He couldn't breathe.

With no memory his mind was a blank, it scared him.

He no longer tried to fight it.

He'd only end up back where he began.

Monster monster monster under the bed.

The only thing he knew is that

the only sliver of himself that's trying to remember always ends up retreating back into darkness. For the feeling of emptiness and coldness in his heart is better than feeling nothing.

Cold cold cold.

The girl he had chased down in a futile attempt in hoping of finding his past.

She seemed to give up.

He felt like he had forced her into it and she had complied, even though she was fearful of Him. He found her growing towards him and treating him like a normal person.

Until Now.

Knowing that she knew what he truly was she had shied away, and he could feel in a small part of his heart a feeling he was not familiar with. He felt regret knowing that he should've never brought her into this.

I hurt Anna. I hurt Anna.

I. Hurt. Anna.

Strange, he had never felt regret before, not that he remembered. It was an aching feeling, slowly and painfully eating him on the inside.

It hurts it hurts it hurts.

Its a strange thing to think with your mind. He was used to people thinking for him. When he had received orders he had followed them without a question, for he was just a machine at their disposal.

He looks at his only human hand and it's ageless. It is the hand of a young man.

He doesn't feel young, but worn out stretched thin.

Who Am I?

That's the question isn't it? Was he the killer he believed he was, or was he something else that Anna and Steve Rogers believed.

He found himself staring at the mask that he has hidden behind for so long. He was forced to wear it, this he remembered, but after awhile it became somewhat of a comfort. He could show pain when he fought, and his handlers wouldn't know.

They wouldn't punish him for showing he had feelings.

He finds himself placing it on his face, looking towards the mirror and seeing just a facade. He was shuddering as he saw his dead eyes.

They were so bright when Anna was around, almost what people called normal.

But when he was alone, when he had time to think, that was when they sunk back into a dull coldness.

Is this what they saw before they died?

Hollow hollow hollow.

Desperately alone.

He shifted uncomfortably as his eyes found the red star that was branded on the silver. It reminded him that he wasn't  free. He could never escape the person they created. it wouldn't matter if it got better, it would always be there, a constant reminder. There was no completely recovering from it. and there never will be.

He lifted his left hand upward and studyed the way the metal plates moved.

Then, like a shot, pain flared through his head like fire. He crashed onto the tile as his knees became weak. Black and red were dancing in spots in front of his eyes, and a small moan escaped his lips.

(Flashback)

There they drove, in their red sports car. The paint glinted in the Caribbean sun as they drove across the asphalt, a steep cliff just to the right of them. The only thing separating them from the thrilling drop into the warm water was a dull and rusty guardrail that seemed to have been forgotten by the roadworks. It wouldn't take much to go off the edge.

Perfect.

Loud music could be heard from where he was crouched in the trees, along with laughs and cries of joy. They were both out on an early morning drive, hoping to catch a glimpse of the mid-high sun at the top of the peak.

They would never make it.

His sniping gun was set up on a tri-pod where he crouched, waiting for the cherry red corvette to be in perfect position.

Don't be seen, don't be heard.

Those were his orders. And he followed them, knowing right well what would happen if he didn't.

He shook his hair out of his eyes as his goggles zoomed in on the happy couple, their names and ages along with pointed kill possibilities popping up on the screen-like lenses.

He held his breath as they drew closer, and slipped his finger onto the trigger.

The tire on the little red car blew out on a rather fast turn, and screams were heard as he shot the second tire for good measure.

He didn't miss, he never misses.

The car spun out of control as it smashed into the side rail, and he watched with dull eyes as the car swerved over the side of the cliff, dropping into the water below.

The red writing flashed infont of his eyes as he peered at the damage.

TARGETS ELIMINATED.

He pressed the call button on his belt as he picked up the gun, notifying his handlers that he had completed the mission.

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Oh gawd the feels this chapter! 

You guys are gonna kill me when you find out what he does next.

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-Riku54