LIVING LIFE FOR THE BOTH OF US - JONGHYUN

Story #6 - The ignorant bystanders

They are still in so much pain. Some are filled with regrets because they still think that they did not do enough for me, which is not true. They really have. Some are filled with loving anger because they still couldn't understand why I left. Some are simply mourning the loss of me, as that of a person they dearly cherish. Probably a person just as important as you are.

You may ask why I am that important to them. Many of them didn't even meet me in person, didn't even attend any of my live concert, fan meeting, or signing event, etc. The answer is that they and I became connected through my music, through our similar everyday mental struggles, or through the same views we have on life. It may sound a bit cheesy but our souls just happened to resonate with each other on these, and maybe on many more, aspects.

You may think that I am a loser because I ended my life. 

Yes, I lost to my depression. But you also need to know that I fought it with my might, for years. The reasons I lost my battle were very complex. And a major part of it was probably because of hurtful words and actions from bystanders like you. I am not blaming anyone for my loss. I just want you to know that your words could deeply hurt the person you love. They can cut so, so deep that no subsequent consolation from you or from any other person will be able to pacify the pain. 

You may be perplexed as to why I, and your loved ones, take other people's words so personally. It's who we are! We care about other people, people like you, very much. That's why your words have the power to affect us so severely. Just that simple and straightforward.

So, please, think wisely of each word you say, of each facial expression you make, and of each action you take. Just like me, those of your loved ones who are already suffering from depression or who are on the verge of depression, will internalize every tiny gesture you make and, then, will feel even more desolated. 

Please understand that depression hurts, deeply.Their fear of living, their aching loneliness, and their physical pain are REAL. Please BELIEVE them when they tell you so. Don't complain about why they glue their bodies onto the bed everyday. It's because they can't get up! Don't say why they are not attending parties to feel better. They really wish they could bring themselves up to go, but they dread feeling even lonelier amidst the crowd. Don't berate them for keeping their stubborn silence. They want to respond to you, but they know that you would not understand, hence it's even more painful to talk. So, please, watch this, to KNOW how hurtful your "encouraging words" can be.

Therefore, you MUST make them know that you understand their pain. Just be with them. Hold their hands. Caress their faces. Kiss them on their foreheads. Hold them in their sleep. Just look at them with your loving eyes. Get them food. Buy them drinks. Give them their needed space while keeping an eye out to make sure that they stay safe. Take them to the park just to let them sit at the bench and look far, far away. Tell them some small funny stories. On your own accord, share with them your OPEN views on life, on love, on sexuality, on music, on fandom. Better yet, put in a little effort to learn about me, so you can become a part of their conversations, turning their internal monologue into a dialogue that includes you. 

Be accepting and respectful of their emotions! Don't just continue with your busy tasks, but set everything down and look at them to show that you genuinely care. Don't ask why! But say: "Tell me more about it. I am listening!" Don't ask why not! But reassure: "You have all my supports because I cherish you. I want you to be safe and happy." Don't laughingly say "Silly, everyone will eventually die, so it's nonsense to be worried about my death." But be empathetic: "If I go before you, I will be watching you with pride from above as you excellently finish the remainder of your life. Then we can reunite in happiness." 

Don't ever, ever criticize me with hope that you can get them to stop their love for me! It will only back fire. In their hearts, I am the untouchable. Especially now that I am no longer on Earth, you can never get me out of their lives. So, be wise and accept me as an important part of them. Such generous and loving acceptance will make them much happier and more appreciative of you. It will fuel their will to live, happily and enthusiastically, for you and for themselves. 

Be patient with their healing process. Please give them time, lest they will try to bottle in their emotions if they feel rushed. Then it will inevitably explode and become worse. Trust me on this. You would rather let them take their needed time!

Spend more time talking to them. Think of it as a form of group therapy that you so SECRETLY and earnestly want them to have. Don't talk to much, though. Ask inquisitive questions to get them to speak. The more open they become, the easier for you to get into their thinking process, so you can read them better.

If they are playing too many sad songs of mine, feel free to change the mood. Switch it to a more uplifting song of my group, SHINee. Really, don't avoid mentioning my name or my works. Say it more, in a respectful and receptive way, to make it become natural so that the reaction to it will not be as strong. Overtime, things will get easier for you to deal with. 

I won't ask you to understand me or to respect me. I don't fancy it at all, especially now. But, I need you to do so for your loved ones, my devoted and generous Blingers. They need a father, a mother, a brother, a sister, a lover, a friend, a teammate, a co-worker who understand their hearts and their grief. 

Watch out for this warning sign: this is when they pretend to be happy and smiley in front of people, but look so lethargic as though they have no strength left to move around when they "think" they are alone. Lassitude in the making. You can spot this when you pay more attention to them. Don't be nosy and ask questions all the time, though. Just observe! Other signs of depression are more subtle, so get educated on this psychological condition to better help them. Remember, a loving and understanding smile when you look into their eyes will mean the world at times like these. Accept them for whoever they are!

When they feel depressed, please take them to therapy. Make sure they take their prescribed medications. But remember to tell their therapists about me and ask for my name to be brought up. Talking is healing. Releasing emotions is healing. Be loving, caring, and patient to get them to talk. But be strategic! Genuineness, patience, and acceptance are the keys to helping them. Please try to be! Then, please be! Be genuine. Be patient. Be accepting. Please do this for our, yours and mine, beloved. We need them to live well and live happily, appreciating the lives they have. So, please! Do this for all of us--for our dearest, for you, and for me. Right now, you are the only one with that power. Thus, I am earnestly asking you. Please!!!

I was a very decent person. I did not cause harm to anyone. For most of my life, I lived earnestly. I worked so hard to bring smiles and comfort to other people. I spread love, understanding, and positive energy. I brought consolation to your loved ones during their hardest time. I made them happier than they would have. So, for the time that I lived, I did very well. Therefore, please don't resent me so much for causing this pain to our beloved. I really tried my hardest. It is now YOUR turn to make them happy once again. Please, be loving, be understanding, and be accepting! The safety and quality of their remaining life are dependent on you. So, please!

With gratitude,

Yours, 

Forever."