Octopus Lips

Way Too Good For Me

           
      It was safe to say I had little to no idea what I was doing.

      The bus rumbled along, emitting a low hum as we drive back from our dance recital, we aced it of course, we always do. The bus was noisy, it always was. I usually have friends here, I'm Micah's main buddy because he's usually too awkward to talk to most of the kids here. He's in the back, trying to talk to his boyfriend over the phone. I'm technically alone in this moment, as my forehead pressed against the glass and I stare at the drab wildlife rolling by. There wasn't much out here to look at.

      I think I'm... ready to move on from this stage. I've been in the spotlight for a few months, I've danced across the five stages of grief, I no longer care about Gordon or what he's doing. I had paused momentarily, and the stage light of independence shown down on me, the audience held their breath. I was ready to flip and fall back into the hands of a partner, the urge only strengthened by the fact she was so close.

     "Hey Gwen?" Rosie asked as we walked home that following day. "You want to hang out this weekend?"

     "Uh, I think my parents have made plans already, sorry." It wasn't necessarily true, they mentioned they had plans but I didn't think they applied to me.

     "Oh no problem," she replied, smiling at me. "Maybe next week."

     "For sure," I felt sick.

      This had been going on for days. I was slowly becoming aware that she was slipping away from me but I felt powerless to stop it. What was wrong with me?

     Did she... she want to be with me?

     She's way too good for me.

     I had been respectfully keeping my distance for so long, even trying to hint at it, but she never seemed to notice. It was driving me crazy. Every second I spent with her was sacred to me and I just felt... I just felt it wasn't the same for her. This is exactly what Gordon used to do to me, I realized with horror.  He deliberately pushed me away, kept parts of his life shrouded in darkness. What had gone wrong there? It was communication, right? I never brought it up because he never wanted to talk about it. I should have talked about it with him. I should have asked him if he was okay, what is wrong with me?

     Saturday afternoon my parents were out of the house on a business date. I was alone, and mostly avoiding doing leftover assignments while I stared out the window. It was raining. I was considering going for a walk or bike ride, maybe the risk of hypothermia would clear my head.

     I pulled on my bright yellow rain coat and the garage creaked open as a wheeled my bike out. The air was cold and damp and I could feel the drops hitting my exposed skin as I rode across the empty sidewalk. The world was mine for as long as weather drove humans indoors. Lorde's voice floated into the space between my ears, I felt some momentary peace.

     The streets were empty and for a moment so was I.

     It wasn't until I got to the park and locked my bike to the rails of a fence did I realize I had started to cry. Why? That was the million-dollar question. I was frustrated guess, and tired. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and swiped through my contacts, water droplets falling onto the glass.

     "What's up?" Rosie answered.

     "Rosie, who's your soulmate?" I asked her.

     The other end of the line remained silent for far too long. "Gwen, I don't... I don't understand why you're asking me this." Her voice shook.

     "I know," I admitted. "I know who she is."

     "Y-you do?" She squeaked, "who?"

     "It's me Rosie. I'm your soulmate." I was crying harder now.

     "I'm sorry," is the first thing she blurts out. "I don't know who told you but I didn't want to upset you or force you into anything you weren't ready for-"

     "Rosie." I interrupted her.

     "Y-yeah?"

     "You can jut tell me if you don't like me." I forced out, and feel my soul leave my body. "I can take it."

     She's quiet, I can hear her breathing through the line. "Where are you?'

     "I'm... at the park? Why?"

     The screen goes blank and I realized she hung up on me. For a few seconds all I can do is stare at the words that appear in place of her name, Call Ended. Is this... real? Did that just happen? My fingers feel numb. A few minutes pass as I stand there, mind completely blank except for thoughts of confusion racing by like the wind, cold and biting. I'm almost spiraling through possible explanations but none of them make sense, there must be something more to it than that.

     "Gwen!"

     I whipped around and that's when I saw her, soaking wet, and peddling as hard as she could towards me. Rosie braked and skidded, jumping off of her bike and throwing it to the side in some grass. I stood there, frozen in disbelief. Even more when she ran towards me, I wasn't expecting a hug, she had just revealed her secret to me, mostly because of me. I didn't think she'd be happy about that. She towards me with her arms wide open and I thought she was going to hug me.

     Her arms wrapped around me neck and nearly knocked me over, I spun her slightly as she stared right into my soul with her dark brown eyes. Rain and her own tears poured down her cheeks as she held my cheeks into hands, she smiled at me then pulled me closer to her. Closer to her than I've ever been before. She kissed me, and she tasted like cookies and cupcakes, I could still smell her mom's bakery on her. My eyes closed as her forehead pressed against mine.

     "You know for one of the prettiest girls I've ever met, you sure can be dumb sometimes." She whispered into my ear.

     "Wh-what?" I stammered.

     Her eyelids flickered open and she brushed the rain-soaked hair away from my face. "I've always loved you Gwen Degray."