Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Dry Heaves And A Wet Burp

AARON: Wow. That's... geez.

DOUGAL: Aaron Rubicon. Wordsmith.

AARON: So when did you and Kevin realize that Angel was turning into a zombie?

DOUGAL: It took a while. I mean, there were signs early on, but at the time, they didn't seem like a big deal.

AARON: Like what?

DOUGAL: Angel didn't have any appetite. He seemed more tired than usual. And instead of watching his favorite show — Peppa Pig, gag! — he tore his pet hamster Fu-fu in half and then ate him.

Side Note: Naming the hamster Fu-Fu was another one of Angel's terrible decisions. Especially when the name Sir Squeaks-a-Lot was staring us in the face the whole time.

AARON: So when you saw what Angel had done to Fu-fu, you knew?

You'd think so, right? But it's funny how parents can rationalize a lot of their kid's behavior if they want to.

AARON: How did you rationalize that?

DOUGAL: Well, Kevin was like, "It's probably just a phase." You know, like that was a normal part of childhood. The mutilation-of-live-warm-blooded-animals phase. I was like, "I guess I missed that chapter in "What To Expect: The Toddler Years."

And Kevin was all: "You missed every chapter in What To Expect: The Toddler Years!" Which totally was true. I was willing to have a kid, but I never said I'd do homework.

AARON: So what ultimately convinced you?

DOUGAL: Well, we were all outside on the front lawn. We always told Angel that he has to say in the yard. It was one of our most important rules. And up until then, he always stayed in the yard. But this time, he disobeyed us.

AARON: And that made you think he was a zombie?

DOUGAL: No, actually. But when Angel wandered out into the street, got hit head-on by a car and kept on going as if nothing had happened... that made us think he was a zombie.

AARON: Because he survived getting hit by a car?

DOUGAL: Let's not be over-dramatic. It was a Ford Fiesta. Anyone would have survived. It weighs like, ten pounds. Angel could've thrown it with one hand, like the Hulk. It's that Angel didn't cry. And Angel always cries when he's even a little bit hurt. Once, a soap bubble popped on his nose and he burst into tears.

AARON: So... not the most rugged child in the world.

DOUGAL: He gets that from my side of the family. And that's why, when we saw him being all stoic and fearless, we knew something wasn't right.

AARON: So what's it like raising a zombie child?

DOUGAL: In some ways, it's kind of like raising a snake. You feed him pinkie mice and try not to get bitten. But in other ways, it's not that different.

AARON: How so?

DOUGAL: He still can't tie his own shoes. He still won't clean his room. He still has absolutely no fashion sense. He gets that from Kevin's side of the family.

AARON: What does he do all day?

DOUGAL: Stares at us menacingly. Walks face-first into the same wall, again and again. And on Tuesdays and Saturdays, he has playdates.

AARON: Are you serious? What parent in their right mind would let a zombie play with their kid?

DOUGAL: A parent who also has a zombie kid. Care to guess who it is?