It's All Down The Drain (Harry Styles)

Chapter 9

“Then tell me.” Harry said calmly.

“I’m terrified of gaining weight. I can barely eat 300 calories without having anxiety attack after anxiety attack. I run at least five miles a day. If I lose control, I purge everything up.” I vented. “I talk about how it’s about control, but the food controls me. If I eat, I’m unhappy and I feel guilty for the rest of the day. The only time I’m happy is when I’m sleeping or when I can feel my stomach growling.”

“Ainslie, this is a sick disease that you can get over.” He said suddenly looking scared.

I shook my head again. “I don’t want to be this close to death, but I can’t help but hear the voice that’s screaming in the back of my head that tells me to put the fork down and to go run.” I took a deep breath in. “In my career, my image is everything. If I let myself go, I don’t get jobs and I have to move back to bum-fuck Nevada and become a wedding planner or something.”

Harry pursed his lips together. “You can still overcome this and be a model.”

“I get half of my jobs purely because of my size.” I said before staying quiet, I finally reached up and wiped the wetness off of my face.

“Why are you so afraid to get better?” He asked me. “How long have you been dealing with this?”

“Since I was 13.”

“Do you want to get better?” He asked. I shrugged. It wasn’t something you just said “Oh! I’m gonna get better” to.

Harry sat down on the sofa, frustrated and put his head in his hands. When he looked back up, there were tears streaming down his face.

“Ainslie. I care about you so much, and I can’t stand to watch you do this to yourself.” His voice was low and quiet. I stood like a deer in the headlights watching tears stream down his face. “I seriously can’t anymore. I’m just asking you to let me help you.” He glanced at the floor and shook his head. “I’m not asking you to open up to me. I’m not asking you to date me. I’m asking you to let me step into a point in your life and help you.”

“Why do you even care?” I asked, avoiding all eye contact.

“Because.” He said frankly. “I’m a human being. And believe it or not, after these past few months, I consider you to be a good friend, even with all of those walls you build up.”

I shook my head, tears starting to fall again. “Harry, I don’t know.”

“You know what,” He said standing up quickly. “I’m going to go take a shower and get ready to go hang out with the guys; you let me know what you decide before you go home.”

He walked away without taking another look at me.

I backed up against the wall, sliding down until I was on the floor, my hands covering my face, sobbing.

I was killing myself and it wasn’t just me or my family who knew it anymore.

People could just tell by looking at me.

I laid down on the floor and just cried.

I cried for my friends and family and everything that I had put them through. All of the fights that I had caused, all of the hours they had spent worrying over my well-being.

I cried for myself and who I had turned into, the creature that had taken over just a small part of me soon took over every single piece of me.

I hated who I was, I hated everything about myself.

I was still crying when I had heard Harry get out of the shower and close his door.

Harry’s POV

“Har?” I heard Ainslie choke out as she knocked on my door.

“Yeah?” I asked quietly, slipping a shirt on before I opened the door between us.

She stood staring at me with her big green eyes, swollen from crying leading down to her reddened nose.

She took a deep breath in and rested her head on my door jam.

“Help.” She choked out.  She looked back up at me with tears streaming down her face. “Help me. Save me.”

I took a step forward and wrapped her up in my arms and I felt her grip on to the back of my shirt as she sobbed into my shoulder. “Save me.” She whispered.

“Please just trust me with this.” I whispered into her ear.

“Anything.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorders Association for help. It’s toll free and confidential. 1-800-931-2237.

To everybody who reads this, if you are struggling with an eating disorder, it’ll get better, trust me. You just need to open up to someone first.

I’m always here if anyone ever needs someone to talk to.

Be a friend.