𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬. | 𝐋𝐔𝐖𝐎𝐎 [𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐃]

✼014 | Kun's Journal✼

may 13 2016

Today, my heart got stepped on. "Stepped on." Ha. Scratch that. Who am I kidding? On this very day, my heart was ripped out, thrown on the ground, jumped on, smooshed, trampled, and smudged into the earth. Ground into the dirt. At least, that's how it feels. I feel weird writing about this.
My two-year crush ended right before my eyes, and there was nothing, I repeat, NOTHING I could do about it; it was a bit like being a witness to a car crash played out in slow motion. I'd think as I lay in bed in my blankets and tears. That was a cycle I found myself in for months...maybe years.

-continuation
august 20 2018

my heart is broken. after two years, countless shared experiences, endless secrets, and giving all of myself . . . i am crushed. and it feels like the closest thing to being destroyed that I've ever known, and i feel as if I'm beyond repair. I feel alone, I am alone. I haven't been alone for two fucking years, and I don't even know how to be this anymore. It's like I've forgot what it was like before, and now I'm being forced to to remember when I don't want to remember. Ugh, that sucks. Even if I write words in my journal, in the corner of a local coffee shop, I'm shaking, choking back tears, resisting the urge to have an emotional breakdown. My hands are tense. I kind of want to vomit. Fuck, this is the worst. The harder part is that I knew this was coming. I know how he looked at Yukhei, he admired him with all of his heart. And yet again, Im young and he's young. So I guess it was inevitable, right? According to all the stories, "young love doesn't last." They say there's so much love out there in the world that we should experience a little of it before settling down. I don't know about that. Just because that's how it is for a lot of people doesn't mean that's how it must be for everyone, right?
These emotions...these new and powerful emotions... are messing with my mind. I don't know what to think or believe. As I sit here right now, I don't know. I just don't know . . . anything.
I never knew a person could feel this way. Just like the once foreign feeling of love. I didn't know pain like this existed. This. Fucking. Sucks. I'll repeat that until you believe it: This. Fucking. SUCKS. But this, too, is love. As much as people talk about lives, you also hear about it more. Pain is the other side of the coin-

-

"Kun" a soft voice mumbled.

Kun froze and slowly looked up.

His eyes widen seeing the sight of Jungwoo standing right in front of him made him shake a bit. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be here no longer.

"Can I sit here?" Jungwoo tilted his head a bit.

Kun didn't think, he immediately nodded.

Jungwoo sat down in the chair in front of Kun and they were making eye contact.

Silence filled the air.

Kun closed his journal and drank some of his coffee.

"Can I ask for a favor?"