LIVING LIFE FOR THE BOTH OF US - JONGHYUN

Story #7 - Your noona, Sodam

Since I started my training in 2005, we did not get to be with each other very much. My hectic practice schedules restricted my every move. That's why I am so thankful that we still remained so close to each other. Many friends, colleagues, and fans openly envied our tight-knit relationship, which made me so proud. 

You are my noona, but somehow I kept treating you as my dongsaeng. I always thought of you as someone so precious and fragile whom I needed to protect, perhaps due to my the-man-of-the-household complex. Deep down, I always thought that I had the responsibilities to take care of you and our mother, to provide you with material comfort, and to make you happy. I really thought so. And I still do.

That's why I am so sorry for leaving you behind, noona. So yell at me. Berate me. Be angry at me. But please do not resent me! 

Noona, you knew everything about me and my condition. You witnessed how much I struggled to move on. My fear of imperfections, my fear of loosing SHINee and our fans' love, my fear of falling behind. You saw how hard I tried. I went to therapy, I continued to compose, I earnestly tried to laugh and smile in order to escape from my depression. But it just didn't work, somehow. I was under too much pressure, I guess. The fear of failing devastated me. It made me fall deeper and deeper into my depression. 

I should have stopped everything for a while and sought help in the U.S. or Canada or Europe where most people would not know me. But I worried too much about how others would operate without me, what they would speculate about my absence, and even how much delay I would cause. Yes, so unnecessarily! Hence, I lost. 

I should have just concentrated on getting better. But I worried about other people more than worrying about myself. That's just who I was, noona. 

I don't regret caring for other people. I just wish I had worked out a better plan to balance everything. But then, again, I am speaking as a naive perfectionist. I should have understood that imperfections are the norm in life, just like our childhood, just like my internal turmoil. 

We grew up as peers, almost. At some points, I even mistook us as twins. You were my strong support while mom was busy trying to make ends meet. So, you were my sister, my brother, my closest friend, my play buddy, and often times, even my mom and dad. For all that time, noona, I am immensely thankful to you. I hope I did not give you too many troubles in our childhood. Noona, I love you so!

Do you still remember the time when the drunken me woke you and mom up in the middle of the night, just to ask if you were happy, and you said yes? I wish I hadn't said that I wanted to be happy also. It must have hurt you and mom so much. That was a drunkard talking, noona. I was content that you and mom were happy. I was truly grateful that I could be a part of your happiness. I felt happy every time I thought of you and mom. I really was. That night, I was simply whining about the tremendous pressure from work. It was just so hard on me. But I did not mean anything else. I am glad that I could freely cry in front of you and mom. It gave me so much consolation. So, please, forget the painful words I said that night, will you? Please only remember the hilarity of being shaken out of your sound sleep by a dongsaeng who drank his mind out. Pleaseeeeee.....

Forgive me, my dearest sister, for leaving before you. Forgive my soul. Please pity me, your little brother who had become worn out after years of battling to grasp my self-worth and the meaning of my existence. My depression was not anything new, especially to us. But it took a fatal toll on me when I started to possess the desire to fully express my true self, just to then realized that such idea was immediately shunned by other people. If only I had been more expressive, if only I had been braver, if only I had reached out to many more people, we would not have had this sorrowful day. Damn those perpetually deceptive fears!